My W tends to see every thing in black and white people are either in one moment all good or all bad. With other people she is charming and seems the nicest person on earth, and that how I saw her as well when we first got together. However I now see that that person is totally manufactured and she is quite capable of doing anything to fill her emotional void no matter if it hurts those closest to her. To everyone else she is very concerned that to the truth about her actions is kept under wraps. The truth would spoil the illusion.

I have been guilty at times of being over-helpful and a people pleaser myself, and that level of helpfulness is also a controlling behavior, so not anymore!

I am not sure about unconditional love (except for my sons), a relationship is a two way street.
We all have needs and if someone is unwilling to meet our requests for meeting those needs then that is, in my experience, a lonely place to be. One exercise I found very useful is just to write on flash cards what your needs and wishes are in a relationship. Write out a card as each thought comes to you. You would be amazed how many compromises you have made, and how much you have given up over the years.

Obviously a lay off is a negative but a generous severance package is a big positive. Personally I find change exciting and I have always loved a road trip...and sometimes living life a bit more on the edge, not so secure, can make you feel more alive. Might be primal: looking out for the predators?

When I was fairly desperate to save my marriage it was my 18 year old son, who sees things from a slightly different perspective as he has a different relationship with his mother (he loves her but...) who gave me some words of wisdom: 'Dad nothing lasts forever..... let it go...it's over' Its a law of the universe nothing does last forever, maybe we need to learn to accept change as normal and not fight it. Once I accepted it was over and I stopped living in hope, optimism returned.

We all suffer from Fear, Obligation and Guilt in these relationships. Have you seen http://outofthefog.net ?
None of this is in the slightest way your fault. You have no control over anything except your own thoughts and actions. Our ex's make their own decisions, whether consciously or sub-consciously. They alone are responsible, there is not one thing you could have done to change a damn thing he said or did. He has been programmed since childhood to do this at some point in his life.

GWN I took great strength from your early posts, what I interpreted as your independence and no nonsense practicality. I think we all learn a lot about ourselves, life and relationships from these experiences. Hopefully that wisdom leads to better choices in the future.

Although it is presumptuous , I really do have a strong feeling you will come through all of this to a much better times.