Yes, there is a LOT of wisdom in that post. Though I haven't had an affair the feelings of disappointment and aggravation with H are similar.

During our last session with the MC I said that I was so dissappointed that our R had backslid so far in just 4 weeks that I didn't know if there was a reason to keep trying.

Our MC told me that I needed to forget about anything that happened before we started counseling, I needed to only pay attention to the progress H has made. I do not think I am willing to do that. Forgive? Yes. Forget? No, the consequences are too high.

One of my greatest fears is that the pattern we've been in for the last several years will continue for the rest of my life.

* Typically, the R goes downhill and I do whatever I can to make it better. I lose weight, I do more around the house to be a "good wife", I cut back on work travel, etc.
* Making little to no progress, I try to accept the situation and rationalize that it could be worse (all the internal dialogue of, "he doesn't hit me, cheat on me, etc").
* After months of that I finally start to think that dammit, I'm not happy in a marriage that just "doesn't suck as bad as it could" and I want (deserve) something better. I lobby for counseling.
* We go to counseling and in a few months things start to get a little better. Not great, but to a level that gives me hope we can have a good, fun, satisfying relationship if we keep making progress.
* We stop counseling (cuz we're on the right track and feeling good that we can do this) and in 1-4 months all progress is lost.

So, the cycle is that every 2-3 years I get the courage and self confidence to say that I do not want to be in an unhappy marriage. There are 2-3 months where things are better, and the cycle repeats.

The problem I have with the counselor saying I need to forget everything that happened before this round of therapy is that I don't want to go through another 2-3 years of unhappy marriage. I know it's easier to do that than maintain my commitment to change or get out. If I get lazy again I'm just signing up to be a doormat for another chunk of my life. I've done that repeatedly with H, I'm not saying H is 100% to blame here. But I am not going to be a willing participant in that cycle ever again.

I mean, if MC really pushed me then I would say that stopping that cycle is more important than preserving our marriage.

It's like a plane crash victim saying, "Fine, I can't visit Europe on vacations anymore. If that's the price I pay for refusing to get on another plane, then so be it. I will not take that risk again."