Hi brit If the following comes out a little harsh I apologize, I usually post I sitch I can relate to, and this one has it in spades.
I guess where I'll start is that while you were a WAW you shattered your husbands view of "happily ever after". This is not necessarily bad, but it is a stab to the heart.
For him it's hard to trust you, for better or worse he let his guard down. This means he probably got lazy, and stop doing the things to keep you engaged, it also means that he had stability and security. Your leaving shattered all that for him. He probably felt he could lean on you, and probably nearly fell on his face once you removed yourself.
In my case it rocked my world. I learned a hard truth, in that you can never take someone for granted. It sent me into a self improvement binge, much like your husband. It also showed me that all relationships are replaceable. My W actions shattered a lot of pretty fantasies and showed me some hard truths. I imagine your H went through this.
Now I'll say again that I'm not mentioning this to be spiteful. I think there's a silver lining to all of this. You showed your husband that he was replaceable, as he is doing to you. In a way that innocence is forever gone, and hopefully in its place is the realization that relationships are hard work. You may never trust blindly again, but that's a good thing, because neither one of you will be blindsided again.
You must work hard to keep his love, and he must do the same for you. You can gain comfort and trust from knowing that you two care enough to keep working hard.
IMHO this could be a good opportunity to relearn how to appreciate each other. Rediscover those silly little dating things that gave you two butterflies, and look for ways to keep reigniting those feelings again and again.
You mentioned you were controlling, and he seems to lately be bucking back. Let him take charge, better yet reward him for it.
Guys already take enough crud from the world, make him feel loved, appreciated, approved and desired. Let him have control over his life.
I got lost in my marriage too, the things he is doing are good. He needs to take control of his life, if you find that sexy he needs to know!
