WAW in the making, What can I do to prevent it?

[2thepoint]

It took some digging but I found the series of quotes from Sandi2 that I referenced earlier. I was just going to provide the quotes but after rereading my post on the topic, and because you are looking for LBS perspective, I thought it would be helpful for you to see my reaction (the LBS) to things that Sandi2 (the WAS) was saying. I know that a lot of this may not apply directly to your sitch, but hopefully you be able to use some of what is here.

So here is the full post. (Sandi's quotes are in bold type and my reaction/commentary regarding the quotes are in italics.)

===================

Sandi2 posted the following on CV's thread:

Quote:
"I had to realize he would never be better. He was nearing retirement and he would never climb the "success ladder" any higher. He would never please me in how he kept the back yard, and he would continue to bring junk home to add to his other junk. He would always take all day to think about what he was going to do that day. He would never be the great handyman like my neighbor. He would not measure up in to my father, in my eyes. He would never open open up and talk to me the way I wanted him to, b/c he didn't know how. Neither would he give me the emotional intimacy I wanted b/c he apparently didn't know how to do that either. In other words, he would never change! I really didn't have any hope in him making any kind of change."

These are profound realizations from a WAS. In my R, I know there certainly are things that I need to and have changed. But, I also feel that my W has this expectation that I will and/or am capable of fulfilling every single expectation she has of me. And I unfortunately will never be able to do that, even though the desire is there on my part. Some things I am just incapable of doing.

Quote:
"Like it or not, it was something I had to decide if I would live the rest of my life with those conditions, or leave. It was not an easy task."

Not easy indeed! Many WAS's just don't ever allow themselves to consider if they could or would live their life accepting their spouses imperfections. Such a shame.

Quote:
"Ever so slowly, as I began reading from the LBH's, I began to understand my own H a little better. And since he didn't know how to reveal that to me, it helped to read it from others. I began to see how I must have been seen in his eyes for a long time."

If only all our our WAS's could come to this level of understanding.

Quote:
"The place that may be different for you and me is that I had to reach a place where I felt humility. I think I had put myself up on such a high pedestal that my H didn't stand much chance in rising up to meet me on my level. You would have thought that after I strayed, I'd have fallen off that high pedestal, but I didn't. In fact CV, I had to actually pray that I would feel bad about what I had done, instead of feeling justified. When the shame begin to hit, well it nearly killed me. Forgiving myself has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Strange, I've never doubted my H's forgiveness, but I've wondered if I really forgiven myself."

This is so important! I have forgiven my W for her EA/A. But she hasn't forgiven herself. Maybe she doesn't want to. Maybe she doesn't feel she needs to. She is the one who has initiated the separation and so I view her much the way Sandi describes above as sitting on this high pedestal looking down on me for all my faults and feeling entirely justified in her decision to exit the M.

Quote:
"My lesson here, I hope, is it finally came to me that if my H could forgive what I had done, then why couldn't I forgive him? If he could give me his trust again, then why would I hold on to all that resentment I had against him?"

Amen!!!

Quote:
"I remember telling my H that I hadn't set out to hurt him when I met the OM and had an EA. But I think it was about two years before I could bring myself to tell him I was sorry. Don't you know that our M never stood a chance as long as I danced around trying to avoid that?"

Man, 2 years is a really long time! Can any of us hold out that long?

Quote:
"My H really is a good man! He has the best heart of any person I have known. My problem was that he didn't do like I wanted. Maybe I had good reason to feel like I did toward a lot of things, but what I've learned about M, is that most of it is forgiving. Some people say they "overlook" the faults of their S's, but that's just a word for forgiveness. I doubt a day goes by that my H doesn't forgive me for some little offense. After all, I'm not perfect. I hope not, but I'm sure there are many. I have learned that if we forgive the smaller offenses as we go...then the larger ones are not quite as hard as it would be otherwise."

So, much hard earned wisdom in this post! I know that deep down, I am a good person, worthy of the love of my W. That I am not without fault or flaw, but then neither is she.

It is really a shame that many WAS's are in search of perfection which doesn't exist. They have a M that requires regular maintenance but for reasons of their own, are incapable of putting forth the effort to keep the engine running.

Sandi's post above gives me hope that there is a chance for the WAS to turn around and reengage. But, the time involved is what causes many of us to want to give up and move on.

God I pray I can hang on and see this through.

=====================

Later, Sandi2 posted something else that resonated with me. Here is one additional quote of hers:

Quote:
"Just b/c I was able to finally forgive my H, and I got all that bitterness out, I did not immediately have a waterfall of loving feelings come blasting into my heart. It would have been nice, but it didn't happen for me. I had to still have some space (used it mostly on the DB board), and I had to have time to get stronger. That healing process is not for the LBS only. I think he was not ready for me to fall all over him. He needed some time to deal with his side of the pain and heal also. Some couples may feel they have to be glued to each others hip to heal, but my H and I aren't that way. It came in stages or steps, as we were able to move forward, and as we moved forward the " Y " in the road eventually became one lane again.

I started to make a conscious effort to show respect to him. In the past, I felt he didn't deserve my respect b/c he didn't live up to my expectations. It was a big problem. I learned from people here and I began to open my eyes and heart and see all the areas I could respect him. It was a starting point.

I took a conscious effort to speak with a nice tone of voice (a respectful way) when speaking to him. I made an effort to not make facial expressions that spoke a different language from my words. (That always bothered him a lot.)

I made a conscious effort to see the good in him and the things he does. I made an effort to remember why I fell in love with him (thanks to this board).

Little steps at a time went on for a long time and ever so slowly my feelings for him began to change."