You're right - it's amazing that total strangers can have such compassion for each other. It's what gets us through the night, so to speak.
My H, too, is incapable of normal emotional attachments. I know this not only from his leaving but also from what his D tells me and what I've seen of their relationship, his compartmentalization, etc. But I do think he wants to on some level. He's just scared. H will honestly do anything for anyone and misinterprets this as closeness. He doesn't understand that closeness entails giving of himself, letting guards down, showing people who he is on the inside. The good friends illusion is sustained because he makes them about what he can do for the other person. Everybody loves him and he's safe.
I also agree that love is a decision and we choose whom we love. The thing that's changed for me is that although I will love someone unconditionally, I will not be with them unconditionally. The person I next find myself with will have to show up in the relationship, he will have to trust me with his heart, be open and honest, not hide from me or shut me out.
Not sure if you read that I am also facing lay off at work. It was the catalyst for the depressive episode. The severance package is very generous and I have a different perspective on things. In this situation, as in that with H, I have to be PATIENT. I am not a patient person. A good friend says I'm always 30 seconds ahead of everybody else. To my benefit or detriment it seems. I'm now thinking about a second career. My director told me today that when I talk about my ideas it's like a light goes on inside, and when I talk about work it goes right off again.
I want that light to stay on forever but leaving the security of my job is going to be really, really hard.
Thank you for saying I seem like the sort of person many people would be pleased to be in a relationship with. It means a lot to hear that because I internalize so much of what's happened, both at work and in my marriage. My personality is such that I take responsibility and ownership, even when it is very hard to do. I know in my head and my heart that there's nothing I could have done to prevent the train wreck that my marriage turned out to be but I also ask, what if I had done something differently. That said, I don't spend much time there these days.
After you boil it all down, fact of the matter is a walk away spouse simply isn't as committed to the marriage as you are. Plain and simple. And you can't make them be.
I'm glad you have some clarity, 4mf, and a great outlook. I hope you're right and that I'll come through this.
Thanks again for checking in. Means a lot.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
