"Is there any fault on your side of the equation? Does your H feel completely happy and fulfilled in the marriage or has he asked you for anything he felt lacking? H's sometimes express nonverbally, as if you could mindread, and withholding touch and affection could be his expression of anger over missing something he can't even express. What has he said in counseling?"
I am SURE there is fault on my side of the equation, 1000% sure of it. He has said that I expect too much - usually referring to chores. One solution I had for that was to hire someone to clean the house every 2 weeks (just the 1st floor). Having someone else clean the bathroom, damp-mop the floor, vacc the carpet, etc has really helped because I don't worry about it any more & I don't ask for help with cleaning the house.
Some of the times we've had big arguments about things that made him angry were when he'd start a project but leave it unfinished and in a big mess for too long. Like if he was looking for something in the basement & pulled a lot of plastic totes off a shelf, opened them & took some of the contents out (to see if what he needed was in them) but didn't re-pack the totes & put them back on the shelf. That caused a big argument when I complained about it a few days later (the mess) because in his mind he was going to get to it, it was in the basement, and he was busy so it could wait.
So I know he sees me as impatient. And he's probably right about that. But mostly his complaints during counseling are that I want him to do too much around the house because my standards are too high about things like organization, not leaving dishes in the sink for too long, etc. We have different thresholds between messy & tidy - we draw that line in different places.
Also, I know in the past he wanted to go back to college to get a new degree but I said we couldn't afford him to be out of work for 4 years (he would have had to start over, it was a complete 180 from his existing degree and too long had lapsed between his old college credits and starting a new degree). He felt (understandably) that going part time would take an extremely long time and trying to balance work & school would be a recipe for failure. So he might be frustrated & angry from that. We compromised & he got a 2 yr degree, which let him work in a new field that he seems to enjoy. He had taken some night school courses so he was able to do the shorter program in just 2 semesters + summer school.
And I'm sure there are things that I'm not even aware of. I should see if we can figure those out in counseling - ASAP. Thank you for the advice!
