is this the end....trying not to give up

[tonibertha]

Sorry, really looong post (wanted to get it all out). I've been lurking around this site for a few months now, and posted bits of my sitch in other people's thread. I think its time i started my own thread.

Basically my husband and I got married in January 2010, and I got pregnant immediately. Prior to our marriage, we'd been living in different countries for 2 years, and when we got married, I used my papers to bring him over to the UK (my family insists this is why he married me). We've known each other for 13 years now and dated on and off over those years. Before we got married, we had been together for 3 years in a stretch.

Anyway, as I said earlier, I got pregnant on our honeymoon. Added to this I was working 6 days a week (my husband needed to do some exams in order to get work as a doctor here, so he was studying). My pregnancy was really difficult. I was sick, haggard and very withdrawn. i felt terrible and my sex drive was minus something. My husband had to do all the cooking for himself ( i could barely eat anything) for all the time I was pregnant, as all smells made me want to crawl up the wall. I had morning sickness until two days after my caesarian section (my husband resents how sick I was, and says he doesn't know anyone that was that sick, and that he can't go thru another pregnancy with me).

I was home alone whenever i was off work. My H was always out drinking. Whenever I suggested we go out together, he would say pregnant women were supposed to stay home, where they're safe. And that he couldn't be expected to stay home with me, as he wasn't pregnant. Sometimes he would say he was going with his friends, and that they were not taking their SOs. This was a big issue with us as I kept trying to tell him how lonely and left out I felt. He never seemed to get it, so I just kept repeating it. Now, in retrospect, I can see he saw this as nagging.

Another issue for us is that my husband does not believe that men have any role in housework. So whenever I asked for help with housework, he was not willing to help.

These issues made me feel really unloved, so i just withdrew more and more (i don't that when I'm hurt). It was very easy cos I felt terrible, anyway. Also, whenever we fought, he broke things around the house. When i was 24 weeks pregnant, he threw our bed in my direction (he says i imagined this). the bed never recovered and had to be replaced.

On October 18th, 2010, my husband told me that he did not love me. He had an exam in September so he was at the library thruout most of August 2010. When I heard the IDLY, I simply withdrew. Three days later, I went for a routine antenatal appointment and my blood pressure was quite high so I was admitted. I had an emergency caesarian section cos my baby was in distress. my husband was present for the birth. I was on admission for 4 days and he visited for 10 minutes each day (he had an exam to write 12 days after the birth, the baby came early).

When i got back home, my mum came from our country to nurse the baby. she came with my brother and they stayed 3 months. I kept the baby away from my H until after his exam, then I expected him to help. So one day I asked him to help change the baby. He said that his father never changed nappies. I raised a big fuss, and we had a massive fight in front of my mum and brother. My H left the house and did not come home that night. he came the next day, and was very apologetic so we made up. This was in November 2010.

In Dec 2010, we had another big fight about chores. my H tried to move out but my mum begged him to stay. A few days later, I was going thru his call records cos the phone bill was high. I found hundreds of calls and texts between him and a girl dating back to August 2010. I asked him about this and he said they were just friends and agreed not to speak to her again. I also called her up and she reiterated that they were just friends and told me that she did not know he was married.

Thruout this period he did not bother to come home at night at least once a month.

In Feb 2011, I found a secret phone where he had been calling her from. I threw him out of the house for one night. He came back begging and still insisted that they were just friends. He had his birthday in Apr 2011, and invited friends out. He did not invite me. He said that I was not a good person, and also that it was just a boys night out. he did not come home the night before his birthday and also on his birthday. I was really hurt by all this and continued to withdraw.

Two weeks after his birthday, I saw missed calls from that girl at 6.30am. He said they had not been in contact and that she was probably calling to say hi. I exchanged texts with her and she said they were just friends, but was asking me things like 'Are u happily married' 'so you are still sleeping with your husband?' (which I was). Things deteriorated after this and my husband stopped wearing his ring. Eventually he started coming home only every other night (he didn't come home on two occasions when the baby was sick, as he said he was a doctor and knew it wasn't serious). In may, I threw him out but asked him back a week later. He did not move back home for three months, tho he came once a week and we ML. throughout all this he insisted he was faithful. i kept begging him to come home, then eventually stopped and started focusing on myself.

He finally moved home ( 2 weeks after I stopped asking). However, he worked late every single day and did not come home at least one night a week. I felt really helpless through all this so I withdrew. we were living together but barely speaking for about 3 months. Due to this we did not cerebrate our daughter's 1st birthday in october. i was living like a single mum as he never helped with the baby and always came up with a reason why he couldn't pay his full share of the bills (and yet was able to go drinking every night?) whenever i asked him to help with the baby, I was ignored or insulted.

On 25th nov 2011, I came home to find him dead asleep, with his phone next to him (unlocked for once!). i went thru it and that same girl was complaining about how 'she couldn't speak to her boyfriend at home so his wife would not hear', and pressuring him to move out. She also sent plans for their trip to our home country the next day (he had told me he was travelling to work in another city for a week). Last time he was home was for our wedding less than 2 years prior, and now he was taking a girl home?

I confronted him and refused to return his phone (the evidence!!!). He retaliated by attempting to break my brand new macbook. I said I would call the police, and he left the house. He came back in the middle of the night and went to sleep in the spare bedroom. I wasn't sure how to face him the next day, so I left the house at 6am and came back by 3pm, by which time he'd gone on his trip. I spent the week he was away packing my things (i was living there even before we got married), and moved out the day before his return.

When he came back, he left several angry messages on my phone asking for his daughter. I made arrangements with our childminder for him to see her there and informed him. This was in December 2011. Since then, we have made arrangements via email for him to send money for her. he did this from January to March. In april he said he was out of work and couldn't pay. He asked for a copy of my passport, which i refused to give him (NOT using me anymore).

He has seen D1.5 twice since November (once in january, and once in february). He has asked to see her more than three times but does not show up (luckily she is too young to feel the pain, but it makes me so MAD). He has not asked to see her for almost 3 months (where he lives is 5 mins walk from the childminder, where she is all day). She does not recognise him anymore.

Once a month, he sends me an email saying that he needs to talk to me, doesn't ask when or where, just we need to talk soon. He went dark from Mar 19 to apr 19. I am really upset that he does not seem remorseful or apologetic. one thing that has changed, however, is how polite he is. Even when i get angry in emails, he is always polite (he was always quick to name-call). my mail still goes to his place, and has recently been getting lost (P/A behaviour on his part?). He says the neighbours must be binning them (i lived there for 4 years, same neighbours, no lost mil, why now?).

It's been almost 6 months since I moved out, but I don't think i am making any progress with detaching or moving on. So I have decided to start journalling here, really hoping it will help. My H parents have been separated for 20+ years, so he is used to this. I'm going crazy, however