Hi, Angel! I wanted you to know that I've been checking on you since you commented on my thread. I am sorry you have hit a rough spot with your piecing. If anyone knows how you feel, it's me. It took three attempts at piecing to REALLY get it right in my marriage.
What finally made our reconciling work? It took me adhering to my boundaries and letting my husband know I fully expected him to respect my boundaries as well. Without them, I wasn't me and the marriage on his loose terms didn't work for me. I was never going to happy, even if we remained married, if he were to stay in contact of any kind with ow.
Therefore, I told him that without total transparency and honoring one another's boundaries, he could leave. You know what? He did, and filed for divorce....for a third time. Once again, my kids and I had to go through the pain of separation and preparing for a divorce. As much as it hurt, I knew that I wasn't compromising my values anymore. In the beginning after he dropped the bomb, I did all the wrong things again...begged, cried, pleaded, made deals, asked for more chances...but in the end, it just wasn't going to work out unless there was change. Once I got back to DB'ing, I worked on ME. There was no sense in trying to fix HIM in my eyes; one can only control themselves, and he wasn't interested anyway.
When he did start showing interest in reconciling, I made it very clear to him that it was going to be on my terms: total transparency and absolutely no contact of any kind whatsoever with ow. I wanted honesty and friendship and love and respect and trust to return to our marriage, and as long as she kept rearing her ugly head into the picture, that wasn't going to happen. I made it clear that if he wasn't willing to agree to these terms, then I was fine to proceed with the divorce. I put it all on the line because I knew that I would never have true happiness if I didn't honor my boundaries. Yes, life would be different if I had to get a divorce, but after all the work I had done on me, I knew that different would be okay...even a little exciting...definitely pretty awesome at some point.
The past 7-8 months of piecing haven't always been easy, only because I have allowed anger and fear to overcome me at times. I've learned to get it under control, and thankfully my husband has been very patient and loving with me during those very few times. Things are so very, very good now. But again, I know they'd be okay if I were divorced or almost divorced by now, too...because I had stuck to what was right for me and us as a couple.
Angel, you are a wonderful woman with a beautiful soul. You know what is needed for this marriage to really work...not just stay together for the sake of whatever, but really work and bring you and your husband happiness. Stand by what you know is right for you, and please take this opportunity to really focus on you making yourself the very best you can be...a woman only a fool would leave, as we say here.
Starsky hit the nail on the head here:
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Your husband will begin to respect those conditions and expectations no sooner than YOU do, Angel. I can't guarantee that he will if you will (although I highly suspect that he will, as he obviously loves you). But I can pretty much guarantee that he WON'T, if you won't.
Starsky
Hang in there, and know that I am thinking of you and hoping for the very best for YOU.
