Looking back on my thread these last few days and it is quite clear that I have been over-posting. So I apologize - my mind is a bunch of places lately.
I am really trying to find a course of action and would be grateful for any input. I find myself torn between two courses of action and I don't know if EITHER is really a great idea.
Part of me just wants to toally black out. No texts, not even responses to hers, no e-mail, no sharing S when I have him. Just play by the book as the court is defining for us. I feel this way because even though she says she is open to working on things - I just don't see her doing it. I don't think we can do it by avoiding each other - and sometimes it feels like if I don't initiate contact, then there would be none. I am perfectly willing to admit that I might be over-sensitive right now given that we are about to be "done" - legally, anyway.
I see the downside of this being my w receiving it as me having only tried to save our relationship to avoid divorce - which I strongly suspect she feels I am doing. I'm not - and the only reason I am even thinking through blacking out is that I am mentally exhausted from all of this. Maybe it's just a sign that I need to dig a little deeper and hang in there.
On the other hand - part of me wants to stay the same. I want to keep steady, weather the ups and downs, accept the amount of work I have to do, be patient, and work for a better outcome.
But then when I do see (or can't tell) if it is being appreciated or reciprocated - I start feeling like a sucker. Is this a normal place to be considering where I am in the process?
From the outset, the vets here have preached patience, patience, patience - and I thought that I got it. Eight months in, and I am realizing that maybe what I thought was patience doesn't even scratch the surface.
