WAW in the making, What can I do to prevent it?

[adinva]

Is there any fault on your side of the equation? Does your H feel completely happy and fulfilled in the marriage or has he asked you for anything he felt lacking? H's sometimes express nonverbally, as if you could mindread, and withholding touch and affection could be his expression of anger over missing something he can't even express. What has he said in counseling?

You asked what was it that finally made it clear that things needed to change. For me it was the bomb, I'm not in love with you, I want to separate. At that point for me, and probably for a lot of people, it was too late to repair. I would give anything for him to have made it clear he was thinking of walking away before he made up his mind. Since then I've done countless things to try to repair our problems but he is committed to divorce.

Over the years he communicated to me that he was unhappy but not in a way I was hearing - he was hypercritical, acted depressed, avoided me, or nitpicked. I wasn't hearing that because I thought he would never want a divorce. Also, I was mad at him too because of his behavior, and I would never want a divorce. I thought he felt the same as I did.

I think you sound like you've been really clear. The thing he might hear is a draft separation agreement and a plan to move out for six months or a year to see if with space you can resolve your problems and rebuild. Or - he might hear if you invite him to attend Retrouvaille, which has been highly recommended by people in this forum. Or - only you can answer. The thing is, whatever it is needs to be a sincere reflection of where you are at this point, NOT a tactic to get him to snap out of it. You have to be prepared to go through with it all the way to divorce, because you may end up there. I've heard a story of someone who did it as a tactic and wound up hurt that the husband went on his way.

You might start by thinking hard about whether you want to be married to him - what do you love about him and your life together. And then thinking hard about what you might need to change about yourself to create a better relationship. You can only change you, you can't change him.

Will be thinking of you.
Adinva