HeyBM, while I am not a WAS I would say that I have blown up once or twice since the bomb. Here's what happened for me.
I let things build up. I was never confident to share my feelings or needs with my W. her actions to draw me in came across as judgement and criticism and it fed my own belief that I was not good enough.
When I did express my concerns or hurt, I felt it was discarded because my W was not feeling her needs met either. Vicious cycle. One specific time was after confronting my W about her relationship with OM, she cast my concerns aside saying nothing happened and then attacked me as selfish and controlling.
I lost it and started yelling at her to stop talking. I am not a yeller. I was just so tired of being put down and I had to fight for myself and that was the only way I knew how at the time.
Not sure if that helps or not.
The talk went ok. Stuff got out that needed to. We stayed up past midnight. Gotta run to an event with my son so more on that later. Good news is W and I a both having lunch him today,
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
and ces - glad things went ok - way better than disastrous or awful.
i'm focusing on not trying to get from disastrous to great in one step - but aiming for the little steps in between - disastrous to not so bad, to this is ok and onwards. then it's not so devastating when you don't make the leap
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
ces, I'm still thinking of you. I hope you opened some doors when you talked.
I'm looking forward to hearing how it went.
- All for the kids - Me:34, W:35 M:7, T:13 S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage July 2011 "I think I need a separation" W filed D September Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Thanks all. Been an emotionally draining week but that was expected given that i opened the door to some very raw emotions for both w and me.
We started talking around 10pm. W had the email printed. W said she had no intention of defending herself on a list of accusations. I responded that I was sharing how I felt and why I felt that way. Here is what she said in general
Argued And denied that she managed the kids any different than in the past. Said she would not be gone the 6 or 7 weeks I had claimed and that it would only be 5. (after reviewing her schedule on the calendar she is gone 5 full weeks and part of 2 other weeks at the beginning and end. The two partial weeks equal a full week so it really is 6 weeks but have not mentioned this to W)
With the money she had little to say and tried to throw it back on me for canceling her credit cards and opening my own account. With this I had to point out the multiple attempts to talk with her, her unwillingness to stop spending and how I knew no other way to keep from maxing out the cards which were our only fall back at the time for emergencies.
One thing she did add was that she thought she might spend to help her feel better when she felt judged or unloved or alone. She talked about how little she had growing up and buying things makes her feel good.
The big statement was that she did not plan on leaving. She said the kids needed to grow up with a mother and father in the same house.
Of course this left the question of how we actually deal with one another while living in the same house. This did not get answered in any great clarity
So where does this leave us? We agreed to work together on how our tax refund will be used She will consider doing the budget process with me and joining our finances as long as she has some money of her own to do what she wants. I was fine with this as long as we still shared info and were honest with each other She said she would go back to marriage counseling. However, I asked her to think more about this because I did not want her to do it because she felt pressured to do so. I said that would only frustrate us both. She liked the counselor we had but it was a long drive for her which she didn't like. I said we could look for someone closer but I wanted them to be pro-marriage even if they were not a Christian counselor as our last one had been.
The talk was very serious but not loud. There were several times where we just sat in silence waiting fornthenother to talk. It faded into general conversations about schedules and activities. That's when I brought it back to "where do we go from here?" and got the items above.
So that was my night last night. We've done ok today with the basics but haven't hit any big topics. S13 had a field day today so I attended and then s13, W and me went out to lunch. W even made an effort to have conversation.
I'm exhausted in many ways but ok
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
All I can say is WOW! I think the fact that this conversation even took place is +++++++. The fact that you were both able to sit down and both be able to express how you feel.
Big +++ on her saying that she didn't plan to leave and is willing to do MC! I hope you guys can continue the dialogue later on how that is going to work.
Ces - really glad you were able to have that conversation with your W. I hope things continue to improve for you both.
Something else to consider and I'm sure it has crossed your mind, it is one thing to say you want to stay married for the sake of the children, but what comes after they are grown and move out on their own? What happens then? What happens to CES 10 years down the line?
Retrouvaille might be something worth exploring with your W in addition to the MC.
Anyway, I'm really glad you found the courage and an opening to generate some movement. Good for you!
One...Step...At...A...Time
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Hey AT, thanks. Been slacking on keeping up lately with a bit going on around here so I'll be sure to catch up on your thread soon.
Ro - Thanks for the prayers! Her saying that she isn't going anywhere is good in some ways for certain. It also bring some challenges in that we now have some very different opinions about things we once were in sync with. That will be a lot to figure out. It primarly deals with spiritual things and while I can respect her opinion is different, I don't see that being returned to me any time soon.
2TP-Yes, that has crossed my mind and also how we handle life until then. I did ask my W to look at RV as an option about a month ago. She said she'd look at the info but has never said anything else to me about it. The next session near us isn't until September so we have some time. There are some that are sooner but I'd like to go to one close so we can do the follow up sessions.
It will be interesting to see how this plays out. A few days before my W had said she was trying to focus on positive things. When I brought up my feels of frustration, I think it set her back some. She mentioned it that now that she was trying to focus on positives, suddently I'm attacking her. I expressed that attacking was not my intention but I understood why she saw it that way. Then explained that my pattern has been to bury my emotions and hurt and it hasn't helped our M any so I'm letting her know how I feel.
On the positive side, I started the "words w/ friends" as something casual to do. We use to play cards alot when we were dating (and she'd typically win).
Had my date night with my D10 on Friday and that was a blast. Then W & D10 left to go to a lakehouse with some friends on Saturday. S13 and I went to see The Avengers. It was a fun guy movie.
W & D10 got home this evening. For some reason my W was irritated. I overheard her telling S13 that I didn't look over things well enough and should have gotten more things at the grocery store. I asked if she was irritated with me and she said "no, I'm just irritated".
I let it pass but a few minutes later went back and said that I may be beating a dead horse but I wanted to explained that I wasn't trying to take control of anything but that I had a business dinner tomorrow night and wanted to make sure we had some meals for the week. I even mentioned that I knew a few nights would be busy with kid activities so I'd gotten some food that would make quick dinners.
W finally said, it was no big deal (it was a tone that seemed shee was trying to convince herself). She said she had not made a menu anyway so she'd make a list of other things that were needed. Then she went on to say that my neice has sent some new pictures from her photo shoot and showed them to me. It seemed her way of making an effort at casual conversation. I complimented her photos with specifics and even commented on some backgrounds that I didn't like to make sure it didn't sound like I was sucking up...:)
The family leaves in about 5 or 6 weeks for their summer get away (the 6 weeks that's not really 6 weeks according to my W). Still very irritating but I am planning to drive up Father's Day weekend to be with my kids.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces - it sounds like your W is really trying even if she still has to convince herself on some things! It is still so soon after your big conversation that things are probably, as you indicated, still a little raw. Give it a little time to heal over with your positive changes. From what you report you are doing a great job being open and positive - keep it up! Remember that the summer vacation is still more than a month away, you have plenty of time to keep working on your positive changes before then.
