i'm good. i'm fine. more than fine.

[BFloat]

wow! i can't believe i was actually locked out of my last thread before i had a chance to start a new one. lol. my perfectionist ways is having a hard time wrapping my head around this one.

so it's been weird. i have been txting H good night (it's my RV challenge of changing a behaviour). it usually results in us having a back and forth until i say.. "well.. good night". and the other day, H really annoyed me. and i had to remember that he is free to make his choice. then i was done w/ being annoyed. lol

we have not been doing our RV dialogue. we are supposed to be doing it everyday but it's rather challenging when you don't live together. and trying to do it over the phone proved to be unsuccessful. tues and wed night D wanted to call H to say good night and both nights he was asleep and didn't hear the phone ringing.

so last night i asked if he wanted to come over for dinner tonight and we could do our dialogue in person. i wasn't really sure if H would show but he did. and the minute he walked through the door.. he started crying. and he was holding the kids.. and they were asking.. why are you sad daddy. i asked if he was ok and he surprisingly said no an started sobbing. so i left him be.

afterwards, i asked how his dad was and he got teary again telling me that the cancer might be back. in the end, i gave him a hug and then i left the room. it truly pains me to see him hurting. then i made us tea. random? lol

my daughter was looking at a photo of me on our wedding day and said "mommy's a princess! mommy's so beautiful. i go show daddy" and then she did. i secretly laughed to myself!

anyway.. a couple of new things.. our dialogue was really good. insightful. we even reminisced about our "first" wedding (it's a long story). S5 sent me a song that H had obviously helped him make. the song says.. i love you mommy.. and it's some weird r & b beat.. so cute.. i loved it!! H use to do things like this for me a looooooong time ago. this is definitely my LL. and then when he left.. he said.. "text me later?". now i realize this sounds really insignificant and it probably is. i'm just taking notes... because we use to say "call me later?".. "text me later?" when things were good and we wanted to hear from the other person. for months now.. it has just simply been an awkward.. "bye".

i really don't know what's going on. but the reality is that i don't care so much today. i think.. it is what it is. i am continuing on my journey.. and i am good. i'm fine. more than fine.