Still Afloat and moving Forward

[BeingMe]

I know, kml, but he's hardly ever here to go to the doctor. It's weird ... always on the airplane. He'll be home in about two weeks time-ish. So, I'll make an appointment for him to get a check-up then.

[WCW]

I hope your H will go to a doctor and get checked.

He will not say that he missed you, those words are buried very deep. He has to use other things as a reason to want to be home more.

Stay steady, but leave room.

[BeingMe]

I surely will stay steady, and I rarely seek him out, unless it's important, i.e. to do with finances or children. He has been phoning home pretty much everyday. Not sure why because he doesn't say much. Awhile ago, he was a bit chattier. I generally try and sound upbeat, and always done something or about to go out, so I usually cut the calls.

At this point, I'm very detached, even with this fainting thing of his. Normally, I would be scared and sick with worry, but I'm only worried in the sense of an acquaintance ... no sick stomach, or heart palpitations as I would normally have felt. He should go to the doctor, but it's up to him to go. I don't mind making the appointment.

[job]

He may be suffering from anxiety attacks. I know someone that has this happen periodically when flying.

[BeingMe]

Perhaps anxiety attacks is the answer, although he isn't afraid of flying. He just doesn't tend to sleep, and he always flying overnight. He has a very fixed biological clock ... always in bed at 11pm (10pm when in hotels or having a phone conference the next morning with people in Toronto) during the week, and 12 midnight over weekends. So, these flights mess with his sleep a lot.

All he has to do is find a job closer to home, with a minimum of travel, or keep the travel to the west coast. I have advised this ... once ... and am leaving it to him to decide, but I won't want to hear about fainting again, unless he goes to the doc, and looks for that job. I'm getting very unsympathetic the longer he leaves these undone.

[job]

My friend wasn't afraid of flying either, but one time, he was overseas and when he stepped on the plane...out he went, fainted dead away and it's taken him about 10 years to get to the point of being able to get on a plane w/o fainting. It took a lot therapy to help him. It also took a lot of people telling him to go see a doctor or don't talk about it again.

Yes, it would be far easier to find a job closer to home or keep the travel to a minimum, but he isn't ready to listen to you or anyone else. It's going to take a serious health issue for him to see the light and change his business lifestyle and I don't see that happening in the near future.

I hear you...you are getting tired of hearing about his problems. They will wear you down if you allow them to.

[BeingMe]

Weird ... that's exactly what happened the first time my H fainted. He was flying from Amsterdam about a year ago. He got on the plane and when they were allowed to move about the cabin, he got up and fainted dead away in the aisle. He hasn't been that bad again, but he gets dizzy, and has to put his head between his legs. He takes melatonin which doesn't always work.

'Eh ...

[BeingMe]

Next month, on the 18th, I will have my MRI exam. I always get nervous around this time of the year.

[job]

I understand why you feel that way. Think positive!

[BeingMe]

Yes, Snodderly, I do try and think positive, but there are moments ...

Anyway, some thoughts on my M and R with my H ... I'm still trying to make sense of it all. I got to thinking today that I'm not sure if I ever truly knew my H. He has always hidden his feelings and thoughts. He's not a spontaneous kinda guy that will just spill his guts about himself, not even when he's been drinking. He'd make a good spy. He's been nice to me all this time. We've never been a couple who were mean to each other, mostly because he doesn't like confrontation, and any kind of R discussion is confrontation to him. I gave up asking or wanting to talk about "us" a long time ago. He won't (or can't) change. I don't think he ever truly loved me in that passionate way. I was fooling myself for 26 years, wishing things were different, hoping he will open up, but he never has. Now, I realize, finally, that he never will. Not to me anyway. I'm not sad about it anymore ... I have 3 fantastic children from him, and he was happy to be dad to my eldest since she was 4yo. I can't truly complain, and I don't. In the beginning, it was pretty good, but that only lasted a couple of years before he got addicted to porn, and that was an on again off again thing. Then he got help, but I didn't. I should've known that it would affect my sexual life. It did, and before I could get past it, he was having his emotional affair. We are always slipping past each other. Never quite on the same page. One day, I just asked him to tell me to my face whether he loved me or not, and he told me he did not. And here we are, a year since then. Not that he hasn't said that to me before when the bomb dropped. This time, I just didn't care. At least now I know. He was the one who begged to stay married, 7 years ago. I still don't know why. I love him still, but I'm not sure if I even know him, so I am very conflicted.

I'm over the anger, past the hoping stage, and just about done with staying together for no apparent reason. I keep thinking to myself whether I would want him, even if he wants me. I don't think I would. He's left things way way way too long. I doubt he would want to do the difficult work to restore our M, or even have a different one. And, as I've said before, I think he has someone else that he's investing his time and emotions to. It's just a feeling, and I have no proof, but ...

At this point, I'm just going with the flow, and seeing where things take me, with the idea that this summer is decision making time.

I am finally in my third year at uni ... taken me four years to get there. Ha! I am going to try and graduate in 2014. My D19 will graduating then too, and I don't want to steal her thunder, but I do think it awesome us graduating together.

End of lingering late late night thoughts.