WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake

[workinghardguy]

I've ignored and plan to continue to do so. And I feel like a knuckle-head... how I didn't see it as a pull-back after the haircut thing... seriously, how did I miss that?

And it even fits her pattern. Each time there is a moment where she opens herself up there is an email within a day or two discussing the divorce filing. Though this was by far the nicest tone to one of those emails. Went shopping for S's birthday presents.. two days later D filing email. Had party for S... two days later D filing email. Went shopping for SD's gifts... two days later D filing email. The whole haircut thing, which was by far the most vulnerable moment she's shown me so far, the next day a D filing email. I mean really... how I missed the pattern I don't know.

Anyway, I continue to not understand her. I got home from out of town and had to relay a few things to her about our S (school stuff and he's sick). One of them was that I needed his tennis shoes as he had a nasty-gram from the gym teacher for not having his shoes today and has gym tomorrow (he was at her place last night). I ask her to just leave them on a bench in her garage and we'll swing by the morning to pick them up.

Then 45 minutes later there's a knock on the door... it's her. She brought the shoes over. Ok, thanks. She asks about my trip and about S. She proceeds to go, yet again, into the land of how hard her life is right now. I tell her I need to unpack and go to bed as I was up early and slept poorly last night in the hotel. She apologizes and sees herself out.

WTF.

The hardest part though was when she came in she sat in the big oversized chair. I was sitting at the computer in the computer chair. I can't tell you how many conversations we had over the years sitting just like this. I haven't seen her sitting in that chair in.... months. How I didn't break down I don't know, and why it hit me so hard seeing her there in that chair... man. But it did.

I'm at the point where I miss parts of her. When I picked SS up the other night for his haircut the dark, foul, angry W was present. The one I don't miss. The one that still makes me feel all jittery and angst filled inside. But the pleasant, funny one who was here tonight (at least until she slipped into depressed, sad W) I miss. It's just that they all come together. I don't know if I could ever go back to all of them. Ideally she can get help to banish the dark/bitter/angry versions but that's not been in the cards and doesn't appear to be.

Frustrating.