Well, I spoke to my H at length to tell him I will be moving on. We got into a very long discussion, and he is scared of letting go. He also said he is afraid he is throwing the baby out with the bathwater - I agreed with him. In fact, I was as agreeable as I could be about everything. I told him the amount of rejection is just about enough for me now, and it is all very harsh.
He also said he was thinking of going to another country - and that's when it hit me that he is 2 years into an MLC. He loves this country - always has. So, when he mentions he is considering leaving, something is seriously not right. I kind of knew already, but now I really know. His speed for wanting a divorce is also a tell tale sign. He keeps talking about how confused he is, and doesn't know which way to turn.
Our conversation was long and emotional, and I just need to take a step back for my own sake. But, I apologised for all the 'wrongs' I have done. I am still getting the majority of the blame, though I did notice in this latest conversation that he is taking more responsibility and saying that he knows there are some things he wished he hadn't done, and he wasn't all 'right' in our marriage.
If he ever gets clear vision, he will see it was not all that bad actually!! But, having gone through this myself, I understand his perspective.
In fact, he said that when we had the move last week, he felt so comfortable with me, and really enjoyed it. And, you know what guys - I was being my genuine self. None of that Stepford Wife business (been there, done that - doesn't work!) Still, all it did was cause him more confusion he said.
I can't seem to win - MLC is the worst!!
Knowing that he is in MLC - and I had my own 3 years ago which I came out of after 1 year - and which I think is what triggered his - we are working in tandem.
For that, I am torn between helping him get through his MLC or just leaving to keep my peace and happiness. On the other hand, I feel like I need to lead him a little bit, as I do sense him taking the lead from me. We do have so little time together and so little contact, but whatever little there is he is following a few suggestions here and there. Then, on yet another hand (I don't have that many hands!), I have been trying to steer this for 2 years already. It's HARD WORK!!
So, I have some contemplation to do. I don't think I want to go much longer without some sort of romance, so I will have to consider how much longer I am willing to deal with all this. It could take another 2 years for all I know!
I will find my way through to the best decision for me.
