Needing some guidance... 2

[jks]

I backslid A LOT this morning... when I was taking my little boy to school this morning, he told me that OW sleptover at daddy's house. I said, that's not good. I said did she sleep in the same bed with you? He said, yes. So I immediately sent my H a text telling him how furious I was. That he's pretending he's married to her and making really inappropriate decisions.

Eventually, I ended up calling him and it didn't go well. It was 9:00 this morning and she was already over at his house. I'm surprised she didn't sleep over again. They are so trashy, it is disgusting.

He told me he did talk to a L. And he knows how much it's going to cost and doesn't care. I don't know where he's going to get the money from because he doesn't have any. I guess his parents will have to pay for it. Lucky them.

He also said that he's in such a different place than I am. He's completely moved on and his mind can't even go there with me. I mean, he already showed all of his friends from work that he was choosing to be with OW by taking her camping with all of them. That is a huge statement right there.

I told him that he has trapped me in every way. I can't date people because I'm married... I tried to set things up and it doesn't feel right. I'm still too attached to him and I can't see myself being ok with kissing someone else while I'm still legally married. That would put me in the same boat as my H. I'm not going there.

I don't feel like I can get a job because how do I find someone that will take and pick up my kids from school while being able to cart around a baby? It's such a headache to figure out. He keeps saying, I'll help you. My thoughts... um, I want nothing to do with you. So if you're thinking that I'm going to want to deal with you on a daily basis because I need you to watch the kids then you are insane. So I told him I'm just going to do my photography on the side. I feel like I need to be home for my kids right now anyway.

That made him upset because he knew that meant he was going to have to pay more in child support. Personally, I don't care. That is the least of my worries.

So after we hung up I had a huge breakdown... I am sooooo sick of feeling this way day after day. It is never-ending and it just keeps getting worse and worse. I truly feel like dying. It is so painful. I am trapped. I will always have to hear from my kids what him and OW are doing. I try so hard to rise above it but it cuts so deep and is so hard to hear.

So I told H that I was going to keep the kids for the next three weeks because I need to have a couple of normal weeks without him in my life so I can breathe!! He got all huffy saying that there's no way I can do that and not to fight him on this. I told him I'll call the police if he comes here to get them. He is acting completely inappropriately and putting my kids around a woman that I don't even know who has low morals and who knows what ever else. I will not have it.

I also texted OW and told her she wouldn't mind if I texted with my H everyday, all day long and talked about everything and anything while they're together. No big deal right? Because that's what she told me back in Sept when I confronted her about the text messaging. He's just my best friend, is what she said. Then I told her and plan events with him and help him move and whatever else I can think of to be around him. I told her she was a home wrecker and she is trashy and I'm sad that my kids are going to grow up with her in their lives.

I also told my H that I sure hope OW stays faithful to him because she seems to have a major texting problem and has no problem texting other men on a regular basis... whether they're married or not. She admitted that to me on her own. And why wouldn't she? She's the only female cop on the squad and is surrounded by men. That is who she deals with and associates with on a daily basis.

Sorry I couldn't be a better inspiration. I am furious and I have sat around long enough letting the both of them walk all over me and gallivant around town together like they're so happily married and nothing they're doing is wrong at all.

I have no idea what is to become of my life. I see no future with H. But it feels better knowing that I'm standing up for myself rather than letting him continue on like he's a saint. He is in for a rude awakening one of these days.