My Story/Mixed Messages...

[2012sf]

Journaling--I went to my IC this morning. I wasn't sure what to talk about, but once I got in there, it flowed pretty good. My counselor mentioned that when she first saw me, we were talking more about my anxieties, insecurities, and she said now when we talk she is getting a sense of just an overall sadness about the situation. It's funny to hear how you are through someone's eyes. I do feel that way right now. When this all started I was worried, trying everything I knew to reverse things, felt like a mess, insecure in myself. Now I still am anxious and worried sometimes, but I have really gotten better about watching my actions, what reactions they get from my husband, thinking a lot about my future and how to handle things without him. I have been feeling very sad lately for a few different reasons. I feel sad for losing the dreams and plans we were making that were all getting ready to take place. I feel sad for this baby and how we had planned it, were excited about it, and here we are on the verge of divorce and it isn't even going to know what it is like to live in a home with two parents if we don't fix this. I feel sad for my kids and how they are hurting. I feel sad for my husband. I see him trying to do things like he is a single guy in his early 20's, and making work and people that he has only met in the last year or so priority in his life, and not seeing the effects on his life he is creating. I feel sad I am going to have to figure out how to be a single Mom with 3 kids and possibly move all of us to a new town to finish school and find a good job. I miss having a close adult to share things with and that knows me and wants to be a part of my day to day life.

Lately, I am having a different perspective on our situation and I am seeing how careless he is treating these wonderful kids and the relationship we had built for so many years. It is so hard for me to wrap my mind around the giant switcheroo in his attitude and thoughts that he pulled out. I am not saying in any way that I am giving up. I just really am starting to feel he is on a path that is going to really hurt to watch, that will hurt me and our kids so much, and is going to end up hurting him. I can't stand that thought. It's like he is trying to grow up all over again. I don't like seeing it happen, but I can't push him away to the point where I am not seeing it either. I am not ready to do that kind of stance. Not strong enough to enforce it with him. This last week has really shown me how he doesn't care about anyone, except himself though. He has duties in his mind and he is trying to check those blocks, but he is spending all his free time living for his wants and needs, shedding any commitments outside of financial, work, and kid time. I'm like the nanny he can leave the kids with and come by to grab whenever he feels like making time.

I expect to hear from him anytime now. I feel like I am too weak to go through this rollercoaster every day.