So I stumbled on this website and decided to join. Here's my story.....
We hadn't been happy for a long time. I think at some point I resigned myself to this is how life would be. Then I decided I didn't want that. Our marriage was sex starved. He was always tired. If I was the aggressor I made it weird. I talked to him about counselling and seeing a doctor and he didn't want to do that. I began to see a therapist on my own. He said several hurtful things and basically said that we didn't really have problems that I was making a big deal out of nothing. Later he said that he would go to counselling "or anything else I wanted" I told him that I only wanted him to do that if that's what he really wanted to do. I think I was pretty much decided at that point. It was the hardest thing to do to say that it was over. We lived together for about 4.5 months in separate rooms. At some point I pushed for him to move out. He was upset saying that I was trying to get rid of him. I told him I thought it was needed for us to move forward. About a month before he moved out, he went on a date and began to see her. He started taking care of himself, playing sports, drinking with friends, making plans to move out etc. At first I was happy for him. Then it upset me and I didn't know why. We did sleep together once. I don't know what I expected but he went out with her again and told me that he did really like her. I kinda had an emotional breakdown. I had felt like he had become someone and was never going to change and now he was. Over the next few weeks before he moved out I told him I wanted to try again, he said that he needed to be independant (I actually agree) and that he couldn't do this on my schedule that our relationship had gone wrong because he'd done everything he could to make me happy and lost himself. (I agree with this) We had so many conversations about our relationship, places we went wrong, things we should have done differently. We both said things that I think it the past we would never have talked about rationally or admitted/apologised for we would have just been defensive. He told me that he there may be a chance for us in the future but we needed to both calm down. I was an emotional wreck and started therapy again. He said that perhaps in the future we could go on dates etc. After he moved out there were a few episodes where I was very angry "How can we ever have a future if you're dating someone else" him "You can't put a timeline on this or make me sit at home. I did that for months while you dated" I have now come to see things from his side. If the minute I'd stopped being depressed and starting looking after myself and he wanted to come back I'd be a tiny bit resentful. (he hasn't said that) I am no longer bringing up the relationship ours or his new one. I've been doing that for about 3 weeks now. He says that it would be a shame if we ended because we have a good story. I said that it would be a shame if we let it pass by because of "bad timing" He said that everything is timing. We've both said we'll always love each other. He said that part of him will always want to get in pants (a massive change from the non aggressive man I'd been married to for years) He said that he feels like if we got back together if he moved in tomorrow that it would be amazing for 3 months than back to the same thing. That I have a strong personality and he doesn't want to be that person. I said so you don't trust yourself to still be you? I said don't you think the way we've communicated the past few weeks we'd do that in the future and make sure we didn't do that again? I told him that I don't want to be that person again whether it's with him or in another relationship. I've been concentrating on just being his friend. And we are friendly. We text. He came over last night and we watched our favorite tv show together. I've learned a lot about myself that didn't help the relationship: I didn't trust him...always wanting more ways to prove he cared. I was controlling or at least over the top planner. I always thought 3 steps ahead. I told him recently by the way I never thought you'd move in right away I thought we'd date and see what happens. He said but that's what you want in the end. I said I don't know what I want I'm not thinking 3 steps ahead anymore I'm seeing what happens. (which is usually how he lives his life and it drives me crazy) A) from everything you guys have seen on this board is there hope? B) from a man's perspective who has had a WAW what does it take for you to trust them again....(I asked my therapist I just want him to know that I'm not that person anymore that I have grown and I have recognised things that went wrong. She assured me that's what I was doing by giving him space, letting him be independant/responsible and not making any demands)
