So this morning I was feeling really anxious on my drive to work and I JUST wanted/needed to hear my husband's voice. He is only working a half day and was coming to our house to do work. I had some things I needed to tell him, but could have done so in an email. Stupidly I chose to call him when I was feeling needy.
It was our first time talking in about 5 weeks. Anyways, I left him a voicemail with the things I needed to ask/tell him and said give me a call. He called me back a few minutes later. As soon as I heard him my voice started to crack. We asked how each other were- he said he is good and very busy at work. He said he was coming today to the house because he wouldn’t be around the next few weekends. I resisted asking him where he would be.
Anyways, eventually I said would you like to meet up and figure some things out. He asked what I wanted to figure out- I said some things with the house and to talk about our next steps. He said he had been waiting until I am out of school for the summer because he didn't want to upset me. He said he wanted to go through mediation instead of lawyers. I said okay, that makes sense, and was just trying to let him do most of the talking.
Eventually I asked him if he wanted to give counseling one last try. He got upset and said that he didn’t think it was worth it- he was done, we have fundamental issues with our relationship and counseling will just bring it all back up again. He has felt so much better being out of our house, etc. And that he thought I was at a point where I realized we were over. I told him I also felt better living at the house myself because it wasn’t constantly uncomfortable.
I told him that I had been reading a lot of books about relationship dynamics and that I was now aware of things I had done to hurt the relationship and I wanted to work on myself. I also told him that I believed since we had made a vow and commitment in our marriage we owed it to ourselves and to the marriage to work on it and that we hadn’t worked on it before. I also told him that I believed we had a good relationship before but that it had been broken for the past year and we did nothing to fix it. He said at this point, after separating he didn’t think we would ever be able to get over it or forget all that had happened. I said that I believed we could eventually with time and hard work.
He said he was feeling really anxious now because he thought we had moved past the point where I thought a reconciliation was possible. I apologized for making him feel anxious and for calling before we both had to work. I told him that one thing I had realized through all of this is that I will be okay with or without him but that I’d rather be with him. I told him I didn’t believe we had fundamental issues in our marriage- that our issues and failure to address them had made them become huge issues. I also said that I had realized through all of this that we can only make ourselves happy.
I had to end the call while we were still talking because I had to get in to my class. Such a dumb idea. I was on the verge of tears and feeling like I might be sick starting out my day- something I never want my students to see and I have been so good about hiding my emotions at work.
I told my H that I would call him later on when my day is done and we can talk more. I’m so anxious and upset now. WHY DID I CALL!? I had been so strong and through away all of my hard work over the past month. What should my next step be when I call him later? Or should I just email him? Take the anxiety out of it for both of us.
Me-32 H-31 M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs No kids, 3 pets H estranged father passes away- 8/11 Bomb- 1/15/12 Began LRT- 4/1/12
