One important point I remember is once I asked him why he was withdrawing from me, and he answered that he did not want to make me expect or hope. I felt so hurt, that at one point I was feeling so low and even suicidal.
Angel – the most attractive women are those who know themselves and understand their own strength sufficiently, so that when tough stuff comes up in their lives, they do not get low and suicidal … they get on with it. They smile, do their hair, accept that hurt happens – for without hurt how can we know happiness – and they make the best decisions for their life based on all the information before them.
Strong, smart, independent, happy women are the women men want to spend time with.
I think some women have a view that the strength of the commitment is sufficient to maintain attraction. It’s not. Attraction is something totally different to commitment and even love. Google “attraction” you’ll see what I mean.
Your husband is not feeling attracted to you. His visit with OW probably rekindled in him what he was attracted to in her, and it reminded him that it’s not there with you.
You can rebuild attraction – but just like DBing it starts with rebuilding you. It’s about putting down all those strongly held “yes, buts ….” And remaking yourself into a woman that is OK whatever her husband decides to do. Because you will be OK if the worst happened and you separated.
Quote:
However, after a few days, things began to change. For some reason, H started answering my questions more directly. The things he said were very hurtful, like how he felt that in spite of our going to retrouvaille, nothing had changed in his feelings for me. How he felt that our foundation was really not solid, in terms of loving. How he still feels that he married his best friend. But I saw a change in how he was acting toward me. He started to tell me about how he hurts too when he sees me hurting, how he blames himself, how he cannot forgive himself for causing so much pain and hurt.
This stuff is all about his lack of attraction. “feels like he married his best friend” = lack of passion.
It is also about shame. I read an article recently that MLC men ultimately live, because of the shame of what they’ve done to their families. I read it from a link someone (Kimmez maybe??) posted on MLC forum.
It’s good that he’s opening up to you about how he’s feeling – but it also means that his emotional maturity is developing and he’s reviewing what sort of emotional connections he wants in his life. Often when one partners emotional maturity and search for emotional/physical intimacy outstrips the others – this disconnect occurs.
Quote:
He seemed to have become incredibly patient this weekend. He looked at me, made his voice sound soft and even, even while arguing. He would catch himself. Even when I was pushing him. He would just say: enough, enough pain and hurt for the day. Lets call a ceasefire.
Angel - He’s patronizing you. I suspect in his head (if not in reality), he’s getting ready to make a break, he knows that he’s got all the time in the world to get his ducks in a row because you are going to be there no matter what, arguing and being part of the “pain and hurt (of) the day” that requires a “ceasefire” (strong and pain filled words Angel, when you think about it) and making life generally unpleasant.
In his head, you are not strong and can’t handle yourself or him – the arguing and freaking out are indicators that you are letting your feelings dictate your actions, rather than your rational thought. He sees that – and it’s unattractive. He’s talking you down, like you would an agitated child. I agree with Starsky – he’s playing you.
Quote:
He knows what is right, he has told me so,
Now if he messes that up, its his choice, and ultimately, he will be again suffering from guilt and shame.
Not only is that statement really judgmental and unloving … what is it 25yrsMLC says? Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? Do you want a husband who stays in a marriage because it is the “right” thing to do. It’s going to be a pretty lonely and soiled up place in 20 years when you guys are retired and sitting on your verandah … with nothing loving to do or say to each other … but “right”????
And him suffering from guilt and shame (?) … not likely to be a big reason for him to stay in the marriage. Remember, some schools of thought indicate that “shame” is what makes them leave in the first place.
Quote:
You know, I was really trying to put together a plan for ending our marriage at one point during the week. I told him that we should plan to sell our houses in the next two years or so, and get our finances in order. I reminded him to pay for the company stocks, so we have college money for our D. I even had a plan in place for my returning to practicing my profession.
Because you wanted to separate, or because you were trying to scare and manipulate him? Games won’t work Angel. There’s a big difference between this and what Starskey is suggesting. This is a threat. What your husband needs to see is that you will not tolerate his uncommitted attitude to the marriage – but it needs to be real, and you’re not there yet.
Quote:
and also, he did agree to us going to IC. Thats a big step.
But Angel, again, this is you trying to offer solutions and engagement to manage and control the outcome. You hold on to his agreement to engage in these marriage building ideas you come up with (that's what's going through his head, because there's no evidence he's been any ways to make the marriage better) This is all about you. He “agreed” to go to counseling. Far out, the man is so confused and messed up he should be begging you to go to counseling.
You can’t do all this for both of you Angel. Take care sista. This is tough stuff.
((Angel))
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
