So H calls my son and tells him he is working late and won't be home until 9:30. That's a pretty late night considering. I suspect he is going to see OW but that I guess is neither here nor there. Anywho I am ticked because H didn't bother to tell me he was working late. I am the one who needs to know the information and I think it is childish and immature for him to communicate with me via S. When I try to contact him to confirm he doesn't answer.
Also S tells me H called to tell him his "friend" wants to know what S's favorite food is. Hmmmmmm....H still hasn't mentioned it to me. I feel like he is beig sneaky and underhanded by not being direct with me. I need to present boundaries because I am NOT comfortable with S staying the night. But then again maybe I should tell him if he takes one kid he needs to take them both because it is unfair. My sassy D would put a damper on that romance really fast! Especially if she doesn't get a nap!!!
Thoughts????
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I know your above post was venting but it sounds like you need to slow down a little.
Your H is in another R with OW is that a deal breaker for you? If he is actively involved with this woman then I think you should sit down with him and discuss the parameters of your relationship with him.
This might be done best with a C present. I told my H in front of a C that I did not want him introducing our girls to any OW until he was getting remarried. Having the C there help create a boundary and prevented an argument. It also allowed me to use her to ask him the some questions so I was the judge, jury and the executioner.
My thoughts about drawing the line with him does not mean I think that their is no hope for reconciliation. I just think he needs to have a clearer understanding of what leaving the family means. It is not leaving you and bringing the kids into a new home. I think a good C will explain that better then you can.
I would ignore his "underhandedness" right now and try to focus on the questions that you can answer. Is his relationship a deal breaker?
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Good question BK. I have done a lot of research on this affair and I don't think it will last. The relationship is built on lies. H is running to fantasy and he is in crisis. Am I hurt? Hell yes. Do I still love him? Yes. If he came back with true remorse and was willing to do what it takes to reconcile would I? Yes. Would it be easy? Not at all.
I thought about bringing relationship stuff up in front of a counselor and seeing what the response was. That way I can't look like the total bad person. The last thing I want to do is throw him into her arms but I need to protect the best interest of my kids.
But then again I still wonder if I should just let it happen and let the chips fall where they may? I guess I will wait and see if he even has the guts to bring it up to me in the first place.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Hi Wishing. I totally agree with BM. We had the same discussion in front of our C, in fact she brought it up. She said that it is damaging for the kids to meet someone the parent is dating, unless it is going to be a committed relationship, and even then who knows. The theory is that they feel like people come and go and they get abandonment issues. There is a lot of research on it, but if presented by a C it is probably a lot better received. My 2 cents for what it's worth.
M 37, H 37 M 10, T 12 S 4 D 2 3/14/12 ILYBNILWY 4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing 4/26/12 H moves to his new place
My C just called and switched our appointment to tomorrow. I was looking forward to our session. Oh well. I have a list of topics I want to discuss with him. By tomorrow my list will look like a novel!
H got home at 10:30 last night and didn't have much to say when he did get home. He has even stopped using the master bathroom if I am in the bedroom. I am starting to feel like I have a contagious disease.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Ignore your H crazy behavior. Write on the boards or read a book.
Maybe your C can recommend someone for you and your H to see together. Where you can establish what your new relationship means. I think you need to layout ahead of time what your expectations are and discuss these with a C as a moderator.
1. I understand how you feel right now, that you no longer want to be married but I want you to know that I am willing to work on our marriage and make changes in my own behavior, for our children and our relationship.
2. I will not stand in your way from you continuing on the path you are on.
3. When I start dating I do not want to introduce our kids to my new boyfriend until we are engaged or have been going out atleast 1 yr. (Best to put this one in terms like you will be dating - I told my H I didnt want our kids crawling into bed with me and another man but I was really refering to him and another woman)
4. If we are living as roommates the household chores should be divided as follows...
I think once you set up some parameters you can DB in the home with him there. He should have nights where he stays home with the kids and you should have nights when you go GAL. Spend money on yourself and getting new hobbies. Do cool stuff.
p.s. this is the opposite of my behavior when my H was still at home. I just filled our house with "how could yous???!!" till my face was blue. It didnt work.
Hang in there. You are doing great under extremely stressful circumstances
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I think H is so full of guilt and shame that he can't even be in the same room with me for long. I am DB'ing my butt off and being nice and acting "as if" and not trying to make him feel guilty. I think that makes it even worse for him. I think he expects me to be angry and bitter and I think, like a sullen teenager, or a child, he feels even worse when I am nice to him and treat him with respect. So how can I get him to feel comfortable around me if when I am nice and civil it pushes him away?
I am starting to see cracks in the foundation of this perfect fantasy he has created in his mind. So I am going to live my life and take care of my kids, step off the roller coaster and just sit back and watch. Then evaluate.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Thanks, BK. I don't feel amazing. I often wonder what the heck am I doing and why am I doing this again? H has told me he has feelings for me, but not romantic feelings. That he lost those feelings and he doesn't know when or if they will ever come back. He says he has tried and tried to get them back but they are gone. I guess I just keep going based on the premise that if he felt that way before, he can feel that way again. Sometimes I feel like a sucker for punishment fighting a losing battle. It is hard to stay encouraged.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
