My Story So Far. Is this even worth saving?

[timbits]

Still sick today. I feel better than yesterday, but didn't sleep well last night, so I took another day off. I'll be back and at 'em tomorrow. H slept on the couch again last night and will probably do the same tonight, if I know him.

The distance between us is getting to be an almost palpable presence in our home. I ache to have him touch me, to talk to me. We just don't have much to say to each other any more. I feel desperate, like I just want to burst into tears and beg him to hold me, but I know that would be a mistake. So I'm just pretending everything is fine for now, holding back so I don't ruin everything. It just hurts sometime, ya know?

I was supposed to have my IC today, but had to cancel it because I wasn't feeling quite up to going out. I probably could have dragged myself in, but my voice is pretty crappy. I will reschedule for next week some time so I can get some of this crap out. Right now, H is sitting in the same room in a separate chair (I'm on the couch), using his laptop and listening to music. It feels kind of like when OW was in the picture. He'd spend hours emailing her, but I know he's not doing that anymore (I can see the screen). I just wish we could talk, but I don't really know what to say.

I'm tired of feeling lonely in the house, especially when H is in the same room. I just wish that we could go back. That's what he keeps saying, he wishes that the ea/pa never happened. I feel like saying to him, "Honestly, you have no idea....", but I don't. I'm trying to follow the rules, to do the 180 and GAL. It's just a bit of a struggle right now. I know that you're supposed to do what you feel is the opposite of your instincts, but I'm really struggling right now. I just wish he could love me right now. I really don't think he can at the moment. I feel like he is just imploding in on himself and that's all he can focus on. I know it's not an outright rejection of me, but it's really hard not to feel completely rejected. Maybe it is a rejection? Maybe what I'm feeling is what he intends me to feel? I guess I'll never know unless he brings it up.