"I am very supportive of this. It’s important for the family. We have court orders that dictate travel/maximum days away – but to be honest, I do not care about them. Do what you think is right for you, S and your family – and I will support it."
i hope you can hear the silent applause from deep within yourself for replying in this way. it is efforts like these, even though we are struggling deeply, that will carry us through on the higher road.
no matter what happens down the line, when you do things like this now, you will always carry with you the knowledge that you did more than your best, no matter how much the cost to you. you will never look back at this time and think, oh i wish i had done that different.
and your wife's reply - [censored], it brought tears to my eyes - but then, i'm awful sensitive these days myself:)
maybe I am just exhausted from effort and not seeing the big picture of all that I have accomplished over time. But today, I feel as if I am all give and no get when it comes to my situation.
yes - we're all exhausted- aren't we? but take a deep breathe, center yourself and keep looking towards what you want , which is your family back together and remember that these are just the details, and that right now, only you can carry it as she is too lost to do so (my IC's words to me today).
as for sorry not covering it - well, that is true and how much are we willing to forgive, while we are saying that we still want to get back together.
look back to where this started and see the progress and feel encouraged by that - could you have imagine your spouse even hinting that she wanted things to go better?
it ain't ended until it's ended..
the other thing that i've been thinking about ALOT is seeing my own pattern here - the more i do my 180's and try so hard to "save this marriage" i find that the expectations are what always make me go under and feel like i'm drowning. i'm telling myself now: be clear why you are taking the higher road - it has to be for yourself and not for the WAS - it has to be so that i'll always have these changes, and if i look to h for any sort of validation, then i am not doing it for the right reasons.
and i find myself tripping up time and again, especially after a day when something good happens - he always withdraws and then i feel crushed and realize, oops once again, i expected something.
this is tremendously challenging - every second of it - but aren't we the warriors who have made it through this far?
hope you are feeling better this evening and less pressured - i think sometimes we try too hard and need to give ourselves a break (it's as if we judge ourselves on how we are doing by how the sitch is progressing) and just let things be
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
