This is one of the hardest emotional things that I have done in my life. 180's....ones that will really matter in my R are tremendously difficult.
After w snapped on me a little yesterday night, she sent me an e-mail this morning. She works at a high school and has the summer off. She has already scheduled a trip to CA for herself and our son to visit a friend. Today I received an e-mail from her saying that she wants to take him back to IA this summer to visit family (her dad is having some health issues)and wanted to know the maximum number of days that I would be willing to let her go.
Instantly, my mind flashed back to last night and her snapping at me when she misinterpreted a question as "pressure". I am still kind of hurting a bit from it, but I will get over it. I wanted to respond to her e-mail and say that I really am not in a place to think about this right now. That I am mentally and physically exhausted regarding everything that is going on - that I don't want to think about long stretches without my son this summer -- that there are court guidelines in place that dictate travel and days away -- that I Just. Could. Not. Deal. Now.
Then I remembered something that I have learned in this process: a lot of my initial emotional reactions are wrong.
Would THAT reply move me closer or further away to my goal of keeping my family together - even after D? Would a negative reaction provide W with more evidence that things are still the same? That I think about what I need first, and then her? That I don't see the value in HER family and our son's time with them. No, I could respond in the way that I would have so many months ago. Yes, it was hard as hell to give the response that I gave:
"I am very supportive of this. It’s important for the family. We have court orders that dictate travel/maximum days away – but to be honest, I do not care about them. Do what you think is right for you, S and your family – and I will support it."
I know there is probably something wrong with that reply - but I felt it was the best I could do. It was an incredibly difficult thing to type- especially given that my feelings were still kind of hurt from last night. There is no way in hell that I could have replied like that a year ago. No way.
I guess what I am saying is nothing new to people that have gone here before me. The process of changing yourself...REALLY changing for the betterment of yourself and your family is HARD. It is easy to give lip service to, but to LIVE it - holy sh*t is it tough. I once said in one of my first threads that I always said I loved my wife and family - but never truly lived it. I am fighting an uphill battle, but I am trying to live it now - even though I am late to the party. Maybe too late.
I know these changes are for me...and for good. But I still hope that her heart takes notice eventually.
