Got the mother load of data from WAH today

[Underdog]

Fifi,

I guess I had assumed you guys have told the kids by now. Wow! Really? (I totally understand now why you would say yes to dinner for the time being.) When are you going to tell them?

I get confused on this because before the bomb he says I controlled everything, so me being flexible is a 180.

Great conflict, isn't it? Only you know the answers. But in general, try to separate stuff into buckets. You can't control things that are his to control. But if there are issues and situtations that are clearly hurting YOU, then you need to state your boundary and enforce it.

For example, I tend to agree with you on the dinner thing. You wouldn't have this as a boundary merely to hurt him. If that were a consequence because it wasn't good for you or the kids, then it would be okay. But the real reason is that it confuses you and the kiddos.

I'll give you a personal example too. In the first 6 months of my separation, XH used to just drop by and walk in my house, and start doing chores... like maintaining the hot tub we used to have, doing yard work, etc. While I totally appreciated the acts of service (his love language), it bothered me. He WAS doing it out of guilt and then would use it against me about how he still does all these things for me and blah, blah, blah. Although he was helping out the family, it became a resentful, bone of contention for him that came back to bite ME in the butt. I had never asked him to do those things, and having him just drop in when it was convenient for him really put me and the girls off kilter.

So after that, I thanked him for doing things for me, but that he did not have to do it. (A choice.) I would get someone else to do it or do it myself. And I also asked him to please ask me before coming over. That took much longer for him to do. But we eventually got there. Once I started taking reasons for resentment away from him (because it was his crutch in blaming me for controlling him), he slowly had to deal with the choices that HE made.

So be careful of those traps for your H to manipulate situations to suit his cause. Address them with loving detachment. If you can't do it now without injecting emotion, invoke the 24 hour rule.

I don't know if your DB coach suggested you keep a solution journal, but Laurie did with me and it was very helpful in monitoring and changing my behaviors and tactics. I would journal situations, how I handled them, and the results. If they didn't work well, I'd change things up. It held ME accountable for how I operated with him. I employed the 180s that worked and ditched stuff that didn't. I use those things with him today. In fact, that whole P/A thing with choices was borne out of my solution journal.

Because of my reactive, controlling tendencies, I employed the 24 hour rule. I forced myself to wait 24 hours before addressing stuff that wasn't working for me. I'm telling you without hesitation, that it was the best thing I had ever done. I STILL do it... with him, my work people, my clients and parents in the volleyball club (parents are bothersome things). It literally forces a fresh perspective, calming down, rationalizing things, and diffusing emotions. BUT - and this is important - if after 24 hours I still needed to address something with him, I gave myself the green light to do so. I worked on script outlines so I stayed on task and took it from there. And I monitored the results. I monitored the verbal and nonverbal cues he gave me. THAT was MY 180, Fifi.

but when he is here being a good dad and engaging me in conversation and grabbing my hand as he walks by me, it is hard not to get sucked back in.

I do not want to discourage you from allowing physical contact when he chooses it. So please don't read into what I'm going to say next. For early on purposes, until you get the hang of things, IF him touching you leads you to jumping to conclusions or confusion or even getting sucked into reciprocating and you find that it sets you back with him, you clearly have the right to stand up for yourself. (Again, I'm only saying this if you find that it leads you to emotions and behaviors that hurt your overall cause.)

A loving way to do this would be to say to him, "Can I ask for a favor?" (Hopefully he says yes.) "When you touch me or hug me without my consent, I find myself wanting to reciprocate and then I feel confused. Until I can respond appropriately, can you ask me if it's okay first? Thanks."

You own your feelings for it. Ask him for help. If he's willing to do this for you, that indicates respect for you. So don't be afraid to ask for what you want and need. You just have to do it in a way that you own your feelings and don't point out that his behavior is bad... because it isn't.

Crap, does any of this make sense?

Hopefully, you find something here that you can use...

Betsey