"My initial feeling is this is good old-fashioned WAW stuff and feels like the "old days" with her pulling back. To which, I think my response must be to go dark with regards to much of this - I got my ideas across and she understood what I was telling her. My intuition is telling me, "time to step back and give her LOTS of breathing room.""
Sounds right to me.
BTW, her spew about your "hypocrisy" is almost certainly deep emotional pain from your EA and PA coming out instead as anger. I really hope you can see that.
Your affairs aren't trivial, justified, or water under the bridge to her. They hurt.
And it WOULD be good for you to drop the judgmental stuff about her affairs.
Both of you had relationships with other people outside of your M because of deep personal pain. It somehow seemed like a good option at the time, whether it was or not.
As for her not wanting to do a contract, well, that just means she is not willing to cut off contact with OM and probably won't be honest about it. This is standard. If you aren't willing to risk that, leave now.
This doesn't mean that you accept it and say it is OK. Indeed, until you establish a clear boundary it will probably continue. But, you DON'T need to share it with her verbally. She already knows contact is not OK with you and that you want honesty. When contact occurs, what is the consequence? I like the suggestion of: "I cannot live in a marriage where my wife is still in contact with another man. I have a lot to think about." And I walked away to get some stuff done."
When she is serious about giving up OM, she'll end it with him in a way that makes it clear to you. A letter she gives you to mail or email, a phone call with you listening in, etc... But even after that there will almost certainly be a last sputter as the R comes to a close.
This is not to be all doom and gloom. It is simply how these things work. You should be able to see it in your own behavior with your OWs.
Anyway, this is my best advice: stop worrying about your M and her choices. Take a break from it. Put her on double secret probation and just watch for 6 weeks. Give her space, be somewhat dark, but still have good, positive interactions with her. Be a good date. GAL. Don't worry, be happy. Seriously. When things bother you, shelve them until the end of double secret probation. After 6 weeks, take stock and figure out what works best for you for the next six weeks.
In terms of working on yourself, focus on dumping the passive-aggressiveness.
