Need Encouragement part deux

[InAPickle]

Hey Pickle

Good to hear from you.

Is this a joyful place for you in your life?

Most of the time.
It's been less than a year since the D,
so your thoughts wander sometimes as well as emotions

I still hear a lot of judgment directed at your W. Maybe warranted for her choices but how long will you blame her for YOUR unhappiness?

Unhappiness? I'm not unhappy, perhaps "disappointed" is a better way to put it. You know, things in my sitch happened so fast (freight train fast) and it was all her doing, that I never really got a chance to DB like a lot of LBS'ers here. That will will always be with me and it kind makes you feel cheated a little I guess. But OTOH, it makes you want to detach and "move on" quicker as well.

Or

Forgive her. And LIVE.

Forgiveness is the gift we give ourselves. Don't forget I am a fellow in your Catholic faith...

I have forgiven her - 90% I'd say. We're only human; it takes time. Believe me, if I haven't forgiven her to the extent I have, I couldn't accept my half of the responsibility for the breakdown, and I certainly couldn't cooperate closely with her regarding the kids under the same roof, but I have.

I have a saying: "Forgiveness is easy; it's the forgetting that takes work." You may have me there.

How do you think she would feel if she was relieved of the burden of guilt you put upon her with your silence or otherwise dismissive posture?

I'm not sure there's anything I can do to affect whether or not she carries guilt. I guess I'm still in "non-pursuit" mode and just gotten comfortible there. Plus, she still plays that game too. I don't know if it's guilt or she just wants to convince me she's never coming back or what. It is puzzling. I thought after she got everything she wanted, she'd be more relaxed around me.

I think you are way past detachment so now you are not protecting yourself are you?

I am not saying she might come back or anything I am only saying you might feel better letting go and she might too.

What's the harm in that?

I'm not sure what you mean by "not protecting myself."
It's not the greatest situation, cohabitation. It's not condusive to really letting it all go, but I'm coping, knowing this ain't gonna last forever.

I watched my D18 and S13 walking to the car this morning on their way to school, bantering back and forth as if everything behind them was "normal", and I thought to myself, that's why I am doing this; that's why I am putting up with this

Your sig "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."

I am going to challenge you:

What is your definition of defeat?

What is your definition of success?

My definition of defeat is divorce. I haven't given up "all" hope - just yet. But I am open to finding someone else.

You see I have changed, made some positive changes, but not for her, for me. There are some things she probably has issue with that I refuse to change, like my cigar habit, which I enjoy immensly, but that's either here nor there.

The thing is, she hasn't changed, not that I have observed anyway. Not to try and mind read (keep in mind that she pushed the D through super fast) no matter what she's feeling guiltwise or happywise, she's convinced she did the "right" thing and may feel that way for a long, long time. She has her mother's genes. I've seen that look before.

Thanks for checking on me Grit.
You're gonna like this.
D18 will be a freshman at UF this June.
GO GATORS !