Hey everyone. Haven't posted in quite a while... Life has been a blur since returning home from deployment. Back to work ( financial services/ sales is pretty boring compared to Afghanistan) have a great relationship with my two boys & communicating better with my W than we have in years... But still getting the D. Actually in court Monday... Hard to believe it's over. We see each other everyday, laugh- joke, share finances, walks, gym together nearly everyday, text & talk throughout the day.... But she said that she needs this... Needs to put the old R away...she said that he hopes to reconcile and have a new better R when she knows the changes that I've made will last. I guess there is hope. Still so sad. I'm moving in a positive direction, I'm a more positive, healthy person. Still seeing my C once a week and W sees her own C. Marathon not a sprint... Feels like an iron man triathlon:) Deployments are easy. Live,eat,sleep... Uncomplicated, simple. Civilization can be chaotic. I love my family. I'm making changes for ME but I still hope and pray that my family will be whole again someday. Monday.....ugh. Crazy thing is we will probably have coffee together, get a D, work, have dinner and go to the gym together... Definitely a strange sitch. I missed all of you and hope we can all find peace and happiness. Stay positive. Have Hope and keep moving forward no matter how much it hurts.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
You are a good man P. Standing for your M and family is admirable. Even in the face of a D. You have come a long way and wish good things for you. Keep on keeping on.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Hey Everyone. Been so busy...working,post-deployment bonding with the kids & dealing with the unfortunate new normality of this sitch. It's hard to believe- M for 17 yrs, I leave for Afghanistan...get a dear john letter, 3 months later I'm in D court. My sitch is odd- We still see each other every day....I live in the house w/ the kids , she has a small place nearby. It seems as though she is pulling back emotionally. At one point I was sure that we were going to reconcile. She had said the D would allow a fresh start, putting the old R away & starting fresh...taking baby steps, healing, growing and maybe we can begin again, a sequel. Now, she is growing colder and more distant. I've done a 180, still seeing my C,working on being more positive, absolutely no angry outbursts, validating my W (soon to officially be X).... Maybe she feels suffocated. She has said that I've made huge changes, she loves me, I'm a good man.... So what am I doing wrong. Trying to be positive... but, I miss her terribly, I'm so lonely and there is an emptiness no DBing can fill. I really thought it would get easier with time- but just the opposite. The hope seems to be draining away like sand in an hour-glass.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
My stomach is in knots.... Everything seemed to be moving forward. We were communicating better than ever...actually just getting to be friends again...laughing, going to the gym every night and having dinner together, texting and talking. ***Then W put up a wall, grew cold... now she is telling me that we need to get together to talk about the future, and future expectations... I don't get a nice,warm fuzzy feeling from this either. She said that there is not om, I kinda believe her- because she obviously doesn't care about crushing me emotionally if you know my sitch. I'm so tired of all of this...I'm powerless & am just stuck going for this horrible ride. I'm having trouble concentrating on work, I'm always tired, ... Afghanistan was an amusement park compared to the Hell that I'm dealing with at home. My reserve of Hope and Optimism is almost depleted. Maybe I need to start from the basics again- I just don't know.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Their has been many ups & downs w/ my w & I during this. We will get along great, talk, text, spend time as a family, and then bam she'll pull back or hit me with seperation papers.
It's impossible to mind-read what is going on inside of them. I continually tell myself when things are going good or bad that I have no control over her and I'm just going to be the best me I can be regardless.
The detachment process is a tough battle but imo the most important one in this whole thing.
You are not powerless, you are just not detached enough, yet. Your w's words and actions seem like they are dictating your emotions right now and it is hard cycle to break but I've witnessed it many times on here as well as within myself.
What are you doing for yourself? GAL? Just you and your boys? Try to put more of a focus on that instead of the interaction w/ your w.
I know this is easier said than done because I've been in your shoes but you can do this.
I've been Gal'g when possible & spending as much time as I can with my two boys. My sitch seemed unique... so I didn't always follow all of the 180 Rules ( frequent text call etc... we talked about future)... I'm going to go back to the basics & try to follow ALL of the rules. The core of it is- She has noticed possitive changes,said that she love me... but she is still waiting for me to "change back to the old me"...(with a short fuse & sarcastic comments) & doesn't trust that its permanent. I've been home 4 1/2 months, improving ME... That should indicate that I'm making lasting changes. So hard to detach when I've been with the same person nearly 1/2 of my life. Thanks again... Its been one of those days ( for several weeks straight) :-(
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
So... Just hoping for some feedback--I'm not sure what to think about this; My W told me that her T. suggested that we not see each other so often ie have dinner together, stop going on walks or to the gym together, stop calling or texting so often & keep the family time with all 4 of us to a minimum? Maybe she was being smothered...I'm going back to DB basics. In a few months the D will be final. The T. said that we are still "acting like we're married", stop "playing house"....fyi- my W moved out in Jan.and we are not intimate...but we are still very close and friendly. My W isn't ready to come home yet. Perhaps she needs to know that my positive changes are lasting and not temp. The T. also said that if there is any chance of reconcilliation, we will need more distance...distance to make my W miss me and perhaps notice the positive changes more easily when she DOES see me --- kinda like you don't notice your own children growing so quickly, but the relative that sees them a few times a year really sees the difference. Any feed back? Sorry if this is rambling
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I'm assuming your w told you this right? Did she give any of her own feedback or just reiterate what her T said? The T seems to want to make some drastic changes but shouldn't that decision be made by her. Maybe it is and she is using her T as a front?
Anyhow, I think going back to the basics is good for you right now. Be aware if you are pursuing or smothering her and try to limit that as much as you can. I suggest letting your w lead and mirror her as far as the extent of the communication is concerned.
My w & I are still pretty friendly and we see each other almost every day even though she moved out 8+ months ago so I have an idea of what your going through.
Try to not worry about if your w notices your changes or doesn't think they will last. Your making those changes for you right?
It is a good sign that she notices them but only more time will prove to her that those changes are for real.
