looking for hope

[jc180]

I'm getting ready for tomorrow. It is a big day. I really hope to impress the interviewer. This job would be a perfect fit for me. I really need to work not only for my divorce case but to feel value and in control again. I know that it is a big problem for me because I have too much free time. I am trying to GAL as much as possible but without work I have a lot of time to let my thoughts run away from me.

I am really nervous about leaving my son with my mom. I know she is more than capable of taking care of him. However, I am so bonded to him it is going to be rough. I also am nervous about W finding out I left town. I will only be 3 hours away but I know she will overreact if she finds out. Even though in my mind this is part of what divorce is. When I have him he is my responsibility and as long as I leave him in capable hands it is not a problem.

My S behavior is starting to change. He is more clingy than before. For example at day care he used to just take a couple minutes to adjust and then join the group. Now he won't let me go and I have to sneak away. He also is more fussy now. I'm not sure what it is but I suspect it is separation anxiety. This makes me feel guilty about leaving him for 5 days. I know that I have to because if I don't get a job by the court date I will look bad. At least this way I can point to my interviews and this part time work as proof I am trying.

I thought as time went by this pain would get easier. I hope this last week is just a temporary backslide. I have a goal to do three things this week. First is to not look at her FB page. Second is to count my blessings whenever I start to dwell on negative thoughts. And third is to make a five year plan that focuses on living a single life. I feel like if I can do these three simple things I can start some forward momentum again. I've been thinking about trying the telephone coaching sessions. I want to feel like I exhausted every avenue to try and fix my marriage. This out of town job feels like a blessing and I think I might invest some of what I make in counseling. Call it planting a seed.

I may be feeling down but when I see my son I know it's not all about me anymore. He gave me strength through cancer and I know he will give me strength through this.