Nothing new to report, except that I think XW / roomie has given up on the syringes and is now on Medifast. I feel sorry for her sometimes that she cannot seem to lose the weight. Other than that she's carrying on as if everything's fine, although except for Easter, she's quit going to mass. I had to go twice yesterday, once for early duty and once to take S13 'cause I let him sleep in. I'm such a freaking saint! LOL.
Interactions remain cordial but very brief, and I admit to perpetuating a kind of avoidence out of habit. I just don't hang around in the same room / space with her, and she does likewise. We haven't talked since the D negotiations, and I've been conditioned negatively. Every time she wanted to chat in the past year she's either dropped a bomb or some other bad news on me. These days, it's always about her wanting me to pay for something for the kids. I kinda dread talking to her actually, which meshes nicely with Gritter's advice to me way back in the beginning, to just STFU. Best advice I ever got I think.
I recall posting a few posts ago about her not going to see OM on spring break and wondered about that. Well this past weekend I was getting coffee in the kitchen and she was in there. I happened to notice she left her I-phone on the counter and OM's name was on the screen, so she's still texting. The discovery didn't really bother me. But unfortunately for my opinion of her, it proves she remains stupidly involved with a married man in another state. Ah yes, but it makes perfect sense to her, doesn't it?
And in case you're curious - no, I have not yet broached the subject of her moving out. I am metaphysically certain, however, that the opportunity will present itself soon enough, and we'll go from there. No matter, I am living "in the moment" as it were every day, not looking in the past nor too far forward. As someone said, "Life is a gift, enjoy it."
Keeping all you DB'ers in my prayers still, Pic
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Most of the time. It's been less than a year since the D, so your thoughts wander sometimes as well as emotions
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
I still hear a lot of judgment directed at your W. Maybe warranted for her choices but how long will you blame her for YOUR unhappiness?
Unhappiness? I'm not unhappy, perhaps "disappointed" is a better way to put it. You know, things in my sitch happened so fast (freight train fast) and it was all her doing, that I never really got a chance to DB like a lot of LBS'ers here. That will will always be with me and it kind makes you feel cheated a little I guess. But OTOH, it makes you want to detach and "move on" quicker as well.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Or
Forgive her. And LIVE.
Forgiveness is the gift we give ourselves. Don't forget I am a fellow in your Catholic faith...
I have forgiven her - 90% I'd say. We're only human; it takes time. Believe me, if I haven't forgiven her to the extent I have, I couldn't accept my half of the responsibility for the breakdown, and I certainly couldn't cooperate closely with her regarding the kids under the same roof, but I have.
I have a saying: "Forgiveness is easy; it's the forgetting that takes work." You may have me there.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
How do you think she would feel if she was relieved of the burden of guilt you put upon her with your silence or otherwise dismissive posture?
I'm not sure there's anything I can do to affect whether or not she carries guilt. I guess I'm still in "non-pursuit" mode and just gotten comfortible there. Plus, she still plays that game too. I don't know if it's guilt or she just wants to convince me she's never coming back or what. It is puzzling. I thought after she got everything she wanted, she'd be more relaxed around me.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
I think you are way past detachment so now you are not protecting yourself are you?
I am not saying she might come back or anything I am only saying you might feel better letting go and she might too.
What's the harm in that?
I'm not sure what you mean by "not protecting myself." It's not the greatest situation, cohabitation. It's not condusive to really letting it all go, but I'm coping, knowing this ain't gonna last forever.
I watched my D18 and S13 walking to the car this morning on their way to school, bantering back and forth as if everything behind them was "normal", and I thought to myself, that's why I am doing this; that's why I am putting up with this
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Your sig "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I am going to challenge you:
What is your definition of defeat?
What is your definition of success?
My definition of defeat is divorce. I haven't given up "all" hope - just yet. But I am open to finding someone else.
You see I have changed, made some positive changes, but not for her, for me. There are some things she probably has issue with that I refuse to change, like my cigar habit, which I enjoy immensly, but that's either here nor there.
The thing is, she hasn't changed, not that I have observed anyway. Not to try and mind read (keep in mind that she pushed the D through super fast) no matter what she's feeling guiltwise or happywise, she's convinced she did the "right" thing and may feel that way for a long, long time. She has her mother's genes. I've seen that look before.
Thanks for checking on me Grit. You're gonna like this. D18 will be a freshman at UF this June. GO GATORS !
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I undedrstand that this is a journey, and that I am nowhere near that perfect place we are all looking for.
But heck, even for those happily married, life presents challenges and sometimes struggles.
The way things are with me, growing and moving forward is not a linear motion. sometimes I plateau and sometimes I even backslide.
I guess you sense a tone to the language of my posts. That's my posting honestly, 'cause, no, I haven't reached that perfectly happy place yet. (And I still like to vent sometimes).
I know time will heal all wounds though. Metaphorically speaking, someday I'll be able to look at the faint trace of a scar on my body and say to myself, "I can barely remember how I got that."
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
D18 graduated HS today. Yea ! Feeling a little nostalgic, sad really. Before you know it, they've grown up. My folks and MIL were there and everyone got along. No one wanted to take anything away from D18's day. It was good, though typically stressful. 30 minutes late getting to the restaurant for lunch due to traffic problems. But all's quiet now. S13 went tubing with a friend with a boat. XW dropped of MIL and remains out. Folks are on their way back to Palm Coast. D18's making plans. I've finally got my feet up. Another milestone passed.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
D18 graduated HS today. Yea ! Feeling a little nostalgic, sad really. Before you know it, they've grown up. My folks and MIL were there and everyone got along. No one wanted to take anything away from D18's day. It was good, though typically stressful. 30 minutes late getting to the restaurant for lunch due to traffic problems. But all's quiet now. S13 went tubing with a friend with a boat. XW dropped of MIL and remains out. Folks are on their way back to Palm Coast. D18's making plans. I've finally got my feet up. Another milestone passed.
Forgot to add: I regret that I cannot share these feelings with D18's mother like a proud couple should.
Except for this journal, it's a kinda lonely experience.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
