Well, I'm due for a little journaling and a little nervouse venting.

Ever since I found the passive/aggressive information last week I feel my life took an huge turn.

I was not expecting this!

After so many years of trying to figure out what was going on and whose fault things were and just what was I up against/ I stumbled...yes, stumbled upon what I was WASN'T LOOKING FOR. I know it wasn't by accident, but I wasn't in the midst of a deep soul search or anything that dramatic, I just kept turning and turning until the door opened and I stepped through.

I guess I expected all this pain and agony and struggle!!! Instead It( all this info about him) just was there in front of me.

Now, not to say I am thrilled with what I found. Actually I was terrified. I still am.
After finding all the ideas about p/a, I felt defeated like I hadn't before.
A hopelessness.
My answers are not easy, they are anything but simple, they are hard and dark and rather daunting, I would say. But I'm grateful and I even feel some relief.

It's like being given the answers to all these odd crazy, questions I've had over the years. Now so many of the puzzle pieces fit and things don't seem nearly so cloudy.

It definitely gives me a sense of composure.

For so long I have felt like a rock climber clinging to the sheer face of a cliff, gnawing my way inch by inch toward the top with my hands getting just ripped and bloody! Not having any idea what awaits me there, but hoping if nothing else I have a sense of accomplishment just for arriving!
How silly of me, like there's some reward just for sticking in there!!
Now I feel like the journey is just less uncertain. I don't particulaly care what's up top.

I'm more concerned with the journey itself.

I had been absolutley wrapped up over this trip back to our hometown. Whether I should go with T or not.

It meant he would be there by himself with Shark Lady for a whole week, in a hotel and lots of face time with her. Intense face time. Working very closely on his case.

I knew I should go. But I suddenly really didn't want to!
I wanted to be able to trust him. I wanted to be able to say SHE doesn't matter. But I was very torn. I would be a fool to think that with me not around, she wouldn't try and get him to stay with her, do xmas stuf together, stuff with her kids, romantic stuff ...whatever she could....
But after I realized what I was dealing with, I suddenly did not feel nearly as threatened...well, almost.

I had a day of imagining them together, and then a day of just resignation, like if that is what's going to happpen(them being togther) then there is nothing I can really do about it. But then I realized, HE is impossible.
If they want to try then let em' go ahead!

Frankly, I know as sure as I draw breath it would not work!
I am not going to worry about that any more. It is a waste of my life and my time.

If I go, it I should go because T could really use the support right now. We are going there so (((three!!)) of the witnesses can be deposed for his lawsuit against his former employer. His boss, the HR person and the pres. of the U.

I want to be there.
I want to be the one who supports him. So I'm going.
Shark Lady is ABSOLUTELY going to try as hard as she can while he's there, but let her.
I don't give a damm.

I know it's probably going to be awfull.
I'm probably going to be miserable, and she is going to look like a GD saint for all her legal brilliance, but not going doesn't seem like the right thing.

I reviewed DR this morning, and I will try and stay positive.

This is gonna be tough. She is gonna try and push my buttons and I won't even know what to do.