I had to see my attorney today to sign my response to the D petition. I'm usually business-like when I'm there, but today the tears started flowing as I checked all of the information. I still can't believe my H is doing this. I accept that this is what he wants, but I'm not going to make it any easier. The next step is an income/ debt statement. Since there is no timeline I've asked my attorney to just sit on this unless she hears from my H's attorney. My H and I have hashed out a lot of the financial stuff via email. Unless he becomes uncooperative I'm not going to move things along. I need time to catch my breath and start healing. This has moved way too fast. I want to get to a point where I have healed enough that if my H wanted to R I would be able to consider whether that was best for me or not. I'm so far from that. I know if he walked through the door tonight I would be so relieved that I wouldn't care whether he had changed or not. I need to be stronger than that.
The hardest part of all of this is dealing with loneliness. I can parent alone and deal with all of the logistics of life even though I don't like it. But not having a loving partner to spend time with has made my life unbalanced. To make matters worse, I keep having thoughts of my H with other women. I try to immediately block those, but it's hurtful all the same. I just wish I knew what was going to happen. Will my H experiment and quickly realize that this is not what he wants? I know, if only I had a crystal ball. The reality is, of course, that while experimenting he may find someone who he feels more compatible with. Someone younger, prettier, more fun. Someone who hasn't had babies and been bogged down by all that entails. That thought really stings!
