My H is picking up the boys to play golf today. It hurts that I'm not going since this is something we all did together. I'm going to be gone before he gets here. He has made it clear that he is not comfortable seeing me so I am going to give him the space that he is asking for. Also, if he happens to be euphoric about a date/sex he may have had last night I will definitely pick up on that. I'm really struggling with those thoughts right now. I'm trying to tell myself that it is his way of proving his manhood, something he felt he lost in our M. Months ago he told me that if I needed a fix (can you imagine???) he wouldn't like it, but if we got back together he could except it. Was he projecting? I'm really trying hard not to get bogged down by these thoughts. I start praying when they come up. Anyway, it's one foot in front of the other today. I'm putting on a spring dress and heading out to shop for work clothes. Later I'll do another long run, soak in a hot bath and paint my toenails. Guess somewhere in there I need to put on my mom hat and do some laundry, grocery shop and cook dinner.
You asked for mantras...... I got 5 wooden stars and painted them a pretty yellow. I took a purple metallic paint marker and wrote on the stars:
Create A New Beautiful Life For Me
I hung them on metallic string so they were along the top of my bathroom mirror. When I switched rooms I put them right where I see them when I go to bed each night and when I get up each morning.
As to the not sleeping, really watch your caffine..... your body is in high alert mode, so caffine sets you off easier into panic.
Hope you are doing better today.
Trust me you will feeel better. I feel better everyday!
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Thanks, Wendy. What a beautiful mantra. I will add that to the growing collection on my bathroom mirror. As for caffeine, I stopped all caffeinated beverages and alcohol months before this started. It's almost like I knew I needed to do that because a storm was about to hit. I also really limit sugar and anything with red dye. I am really hoping that as the sleep supplement builds up that I will get back to a normal sleep pattern. This has gone on for almost five months now so it may take some time to correct. I really wish I would have taken action sooner.
Today has been a good day. I think the 5HTP is really helping. It's a beautiful day here on the west coast and I had a good time getting out and doing a little shopping. Once it cools off I'm looking forward to going for a run.
My boys played golf with my H. S15 said he really understands what's going on with my H now. He said he seems depressed and barely conversed with a stranger on the course who was trying to make small talk. We all said a prayer for him after we talked. My sons asked that I keep praying and being compassionate toward my H so that he feels safe coming home if he ever chooses to. That has been my plan all along. I'm so glad that they are starting to understand what is really going on here. That depression is at the crux of all of this. My son reminded me about a date my H and I had several weeks before he left. We were shopping after dinner and my H had me try on lots of hats and he was enjoying taking pictures of me. The next day he was showing the boys and was having fun. Something just snapped after that, although I'm sure it had been building. In the meantime, I will continue to try to get my life back on track and make the changes that need to be made. My boys complimented me on what I've done so far (less controlling, calmer) and that made me feel good. They also defended me when my H started justifying why he left. I guess he still feel the need to convince himself. Goodness, what a mess!
Hey G, attagirl! You are heading in the right direction.
Try not to get too bogged down about trying to figure out things.
A word of caution, if you dont mind. Try not to talk with your children about your h. If they ask questions, by all means answer honestly, but, you dont want to put them in the middle of it all.
I had to see my attorney today to sign my response to the D petition. I'm usually business-like when I'm there, but today the tears started flowing as I checked all of the information. I still can't believe my H is doing this. I accept that this is what he wants, but I'm not going to make it any easier. The next step is an income/ debt statement. Since there is no timeline I've asked my attorney to just sit on this unless she hears from my H's attorney. My H and I have hashed out a lot of the financial stuff via email. Unless he becomes uncooperative I'm not going to move things along. I need time to catch my breath and start healing. This has moved way too fast. I want to get to a point where I have healed enough that if my H wanted to R I would be able to consider whether that was best for me or not. I'm so far from that. I know if he walked through the door tonight I would be so relieved that I wouldn't care whether he had changed or not. I need to be stronger than that.
The hardest part of all of this is dealing with loneliness. I can parent alone and deal with all of the logistics of life even though I don't like it. But not having a loving partner to spend time with has made my life unbalanced. To make matters worse, I keep having thoughts of my H with other women. I try to immediately block those, but it's hurtful all the same. I just wish I knew what was going to happen. Will my H experiment and quickly realize that this is not what he wants? I know, if only I had a crystal ball. The reality is, of course, that while experimenting he may find someone who he feels more compatible with. Someone younger, prettier, more fun. Someone who hasn't had babies and been bogged down by all that entails. That thought really stings!
I just wish I knew what was going to happen. Will my H experiment and quickly realize that this is not what he wants? I know, if only I had a crystal ball. The reality is, of course, that while experimenting he may find someone who he feels more compatible with. Someone younger, prettier, more fun. Someone who hasn't had babies and been bogged down by all that entails. That thought really stings!
What you are doing there, while normal, is not healthy for you. You know that, right?
Does it sting? Yes. Does it go away, YES! But it takes a long time to get over ALL the feelings of betrayal, loneliness, lies, etc.
I had the same feelings you talk about. Once in a great while, some of them come back to be dealt with still. One thing you should understand is that he doesn't think like you do nor like his old self. He just doesn't. It's why many of us relate it to them being an alien. We do not know who they have become. That stings too, because it feels like we were taken advantage of (at a later point it may feel that way). Yet, one at a time we deal with these emotions.
I too felt like I wanted a partner. Then I felt let down by the one I had. I knew it didn't have to be this way, yet in a way it does. They need it. They need to hit bottom in their own way and own time and we can't help them. We can't be there. We have to exit the scene, GM. It really is the only way.
One step at a time. One feeling at a time. That's how we exit the scene and how we continue on. If, while we do that they decide they want us in the picture, it's a choice we can make. But we continue until that time (if) as if they don't. As if we respect them enough to respect what their actions say to us and not their words. Not one action, but all of them over time.
One step and one feeling at a time we rebuild. We learn to keep them out of our lives while we heal. We learn to accept what is and not what we wanted from them. We learn to be us, and we do so knowing that they have to do the same.
At least we're sane, if just barely sometimes
Continue on, GM. Don't let the thoughts of what if derail you.
It isn't what we asked for and it [censored], but it can always be worse and you will be better than ok at a later point if you keep moving...It hurts, but it isn't painful forever.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
The babies part? Many men are proud to date women with babies. That's not a deterrent. Neither is the work it takes to raise them. I know many men that find that motherhood is attractive because it shows true dedication and metal. It's not easy. I've been a parent for a long time. When I date, some women don't like that I have other responsibilities. They don't get a second date if they don't understand that
You're a good person and will find that you are very attractive to others when you are ready to let your light shine. Really. I had that fear (a little). I have more dates and interests than time these days. It's not what I asked for, but I do enjoy it and the people I meet (most of them).
You may also find that your H is trolling the bottom of the barrel for a long while if you still watch. Don't. I found that to be more of a slap in the face before I stopped. It's their journey - love him enough to let him go to it.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Many on this board will tell you that I was (and still am sometimes) one of the most pathetic posters here, but it really does get easier. It may be hard for you to believe at this point, but it really does.
I was at a point where I thought of calling her everyday. Now, I still think about her throughout the day, but I wouldn't even consider calling her. Why? Because she just needs to be left alone. Besides, she would probably just say something to hurt me anyways.
As for the other person, that will burn you for a while, but eventually you'll get to a point where it hardly bothers you at all. (I know, it is hard to believe, but it is true.)
Time is your friend right now.
Take care.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Hi GM, Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing.
Going to the attorney's office s very hard. I found it bittersweet. I hated going, but I found I felt better about myself in taking action and working towards my needs being taken care of through this legal process. That's what you're doing. You didn't want this, but yout H has put you in this position. Be realistic and plan strategically. Plan ahead when considering parenting plans and finances. Think about where you want to be financially 5 years down the road. Be fair, but be firm. This is where the law can be on your side. Because what H may feel is "fair" is only what's "fair" to him. Been there done that.
I got to the point where I switched my thinking to " Ok you want your divorce, you got it. But I will get what I need out of this divorce to".
I also learned that I really enjoy learning about marital law and how the legal system works and how attorney's interact with one another. Quite interesting.
And then a few weeks ago when I picked up the final copy of the divorce papers to look over before signing, I cried. I did. Then I signed them, and cried again. It's very sad, it just is.
Your last post to me really hit home. It's helped me to shift my thinking more into the here and now and future instead of still being so bogged down from what happened a year ago. And I thank you for your kind words of wisdom and input. I now realize Im having a hard time just letting go and letting life take it's place and be happy to just drift along. I realize why Im doing that now.
I'm so glad that I could help kimmerz. Letting go is so, so hard. I'm struggling with it. I go through every day knowing someone is missing. When I married it really was for life. Also, like you, I always have a need to take action and to make sense of things. Remember, change = hope. We need to change kimmerz. Living in fear and controlling things/people didn't work out so well. We can't go into the future being the same way. What's happened has brought us to our knees. God has our attention now. We need to let go and let things happen. (I say "we" because from your posts we seem to be so similar. If I'm wrong, please forgive me.) It's all so hard, empty, lonely.
Have you ever read The Four Agreements? If not, I really encourage you to read it. I've applied the agreements to my friendships, but didn't think of relating them to my marriage breakdown. They are: be impeccable with your word, don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions and always do your best. The book expands on these at length and might help you now. I'm going to pull it out again along with some others that I read early on in all of this. Like all belief systems, if you buy into it it takes tremendous courage to trust in the belief and let everything else go. This is incredibly hard for me. I just want to know that after all that I've been through my H will come back in the end and because of our journeys we will have the marriage of our dreams. Of course, there is no way to know. I'm just not ready to let go of that possibility yet. In the meantime, I keep trying to move forward while praying for a miracle.
