Being thankful and praying

[angel61]

Never got around to writing that part 3.... at this time it has become a moot point, as it seems like our M is going in a different direction.

A week ago, we were doing OK, then H mentioned that he needs to go again to OW's country. I was crushed, but tried to recover and then assured him that I promised not to be difficult regarding his work and that I trusted him to do the right thing.

However, H started acting paranoid, and we ended up in endless, circlar arguments that never got anywhere. I won't go into details, just thinking of it all is tiresome. One important point I remember is once I asked him why he was withdarwing from me, and he answered that he did not want tomake me expect or hope. I felt so hurt, that at one point I was feeling so low and even suicidal.

However, after a few days, things began to change. For some reason, H started answering my questions more directly. The things he said were very hurtful, like how he felt that in spite of our going to retrouvaille, nothing had changed in his feelings for me. How he felt that our foundation was really not solid, in terms of loving. How he still feels that he married his best friend. But I saw a change in how he was acting towad me. He started to tell me about how he hurts too when he sees me hurting, how he blames himself, how he cannot forgive himself for causing so much pain and hurt.

We had originally planned to attend a post session we missed on Sunday, and in site of what we were going through, he still wanted to go. When we were asked to share what we learned from retrouvaille, he said that now that we had been doing this for several months, he thinks that finally we are able to face our "ghosts" and accept what made our marriage go down.

I don't know right now where we are headed. Many times I had actually either asked him if we should just part, he tends to project on to me, saying that he doesn't think I could take it, I might become suicidal, and even when I tell him that I would survive, he still doesn't want to believe me.

His only commitment is to take it one day at a time. He still always says that he doesn't know if we will survive this or not, but that he is not saying we should go our separate ways.

We the realized that we were so negative, and I suggested that we should try to think of ways to be positive, and surprise, he agreed. So now we have an agreement to write down one positive attribute of our marriage everyday, and so far so good.

I am so confused, but all I could think of at this point is that it probably is part of the journey.

To add to my confusion, just when I feel that we are really very unsteady right now, he started talking last night about his lifelong dream of opening a restaurant, and was plannig for us to open one with a portion of our 401 K's! Wait a moment, I thought we were taking things one day at a time....

Crazyland still, as one of my friends would say.

Cyrena, if you are out there, what is your take on this new development?