What is going on here... and what do I do?

[LIO]

Posting again today:


Labug has this acryonym that I saw and loved it and need it here as a reminder. ( WAIT-Why Am I Talking?) I wish I had read it earlier today!

14 days until he gets his apartment (and he's dead set on it). I'm wasn't planning on changing the locks of the house - but.... If he just lets himself in and makes himself at home here, and then has his place at night, why would he want to come home? Am I worried too much about that now?


Back to the book for reading again tonight because I'm slipping and need reassurance. I'm on LRT
The Bad: I am chasing. I go from 1 day good to 2 days bad.
Goal: It will be a good day when I don't call or don't email him and just smile and say Hi when he comes home late at night before I busy myself. I will engage in light conversation about kid and dog then leave.

The good: (?) Another morning of him letting me hold him on the couch without pushing me off. H refused to go upstairs but didn't throw a fuss when I laid down beside him on couch. ML again (TMI?!)but he initially acted like it was all because of what I wanted, and of course the D talk and moving out talk start. Hand in hand... He did (re)include me by making me breakfast this morning too (along with S) (good!)

Here's where I am confused. 2 weeks ago he freaked out if I touched him, or try to lay down with him. We didn't ML for 2 months while he was with OW. So if he is 'letting me' (even if he is acting like it's what I wanted) lie on the couch with him, is that working? I won't try it again for a few more days.

The Bad (again):
I didn't let the D and the moving out talk go over (I don't know how to react, or if I should stay quiet) and I slipped up and got frustrated and let it be seen, and eventually heard (I called him when he was driving to work). I'm just going on and on, and H told me that 'we just grew apart' and I said "I see you have been checked out for 3 months, I'm not going to talk about 'growing apart' right now." I told him I wanted him to move because then he can figure out what he wanted. I sent him a long email too which gave him a total amount he will need to deposit for S. I did not ask for any other bills. BUT STOP STOP STOP. Here's where the WAIT acronym would have been helpful!

I did send a joke and talked to him lightly on the phone half hour ago. We talked about S's upcoming birthday. I called.


As far as I go - I notice that the days I don't GAL, I blow up. Go figure.
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My more of the same behavior:
Follow him around the house (I stopped)
engage more with the computer than him
repeat repeat repeat everything
chase him
not lash out over comments or opinions from him
being at home every time he is (I will take S out before H gets home on friday afternoon so he arrives at empty house).
'remind' him of our previous relationship


My ultimate goals (when I know I am successful):
H and I will be able to discuss the importance of having family and quality time together. H will acknowledge that allowing OW in his life does not improve the quality of our family life, nor of his own and will work on steps of re-engaging with me if he feels like he is wavering.

Goal 2: H will call me from work just to see what we are doing. H will show more interest in my life and what I am doing, and will initiate activities.

Goal 3: Communication. When H wants to communicate H will initiate more conversations. I will not let my emotions fly if he says something I disagree with. I will acknowledge his statement so he knows I heard him. H and I will be able to talk about our feelings and hopes for the future again.

Goal 4: H will be able to acknowledge his repeated depression is affecting his decision making, and see alternative ways to work through it (sports, journaling, talking).

My personal goals:
Goal 1) I will not engage with H when he is moody in a way that is not constructive. I will not feel 'responsible' for checking up on him (aka spying) to determine what kind of mood he is in.

Goal 2) I want to accomplish my fitness goals.

Goal 3) I want to learn to cook some better meals for my S, ensuring that we ARE eating and I'm not slipping down a depressive state with my H.

Goal 4) I will go to events, movies, shows by myself if I need to.



On a side note, H wants me to sell the house. Even though I don't care for the house in particular, I think it's better to stay here (and I can afford it on my own) during this time. I didn't want to transition S into an apartment, and then not have a connecting point with H. I would like to rent out the house in the future, but unless a divorce actually comes and forces me from the house, I would like to keep a consistent place for us.

H gets angry about that, but I'm trying to ignore it. Am I being unreasonable?