Baby, what a big surprise...

[Underdog]

Well, it has been years since I've had a thread... 6 years? It's been more than 9 years since my XH moved out and we're 2 weeks away from the 7th annivorcery. I never imagined coming back here to get insight from you guys again. But here I am, and I'm a little surprised. I don't know why that surprises me?

When I started this journey, my girls were just about 9 and 6 - they are now 18 and 15. My youngest is developmentally disabled (she is nonverbal but much smarter and more aware than what you would expect) and my D18 is graduating in 3 weeks. D15 will transition to the high school within a week of D18 heading to college in NY. She chose to go there to play volleyball. No problem, since I'm originally from the east coast. The decision process was a real trial, though, so I don't want to pretend that it didn't play a part in all of this... because it did to some extent.

I knew last fall that the winds of change were going to blow and probably be different than I expected. LOL, I was right! My XH broke up with his GF of 1 year last fall, but reconciled with her after the holidays. I suspected that they had reconciled back in February, though D18 didn't think so. I dunno, there were just signs. I can't even tell you what they were.

So on a business trip 2 months ago, he had dinner with my parents. Yeah, we're all still close. I was one of the lucky ones to get my friend back post-D. We started out as friends, so it was a process that worked out for our family. Not much drama and life was good. Anyhoo, my dad called me after he returned to the hotel and told me that GF was flying in to spend the weekend with XH in my hometown. At that moment in time, I realized that things were really going to change.

The next day I decided to call him and ask. So I did. I flat out started the convo with, "I have a good reason for asking, so tell me if you're serious about GF. Because if you're just f@#$ing her, I'm not willing to do this. But if you're serious about her, help me help our daughter and help you." He was stunned and speechless. Ha ha, I rarely get those reactions anymore so I kind of relished that one. I explained myself and told him that if he was serious about her, I would help D18 navigate the journey from GF just being an annoying side show to accepting her presence on his stage. And he explained that he was serious about her and that marriage was in the picture.

D18 is not exactly wild about GF or her 2 daughters. First of all, her dad is 51 and GF is 35. She thinks her dad is kind of a perv. (That still makes me laugh.) Her VB friends' parents all think that GF looks older than I do, and I just turned 50. D18 thinks there is something wrong with her. I don't know enough about the woman to make that sort of judgment call, but I do know she is kind to my D15 and that kind of tells me that she's not without good character.

Truth be told, I'm more than okay with it. I don't want him back and am quite content being his friend. And I've told D18 that she doesn't have to like GF, but that until she doesn't warrant it, deserves her respect and civility.

I thought we had made that clear, but I was wrong. XH must have taken my advice from 2 months ago to bring GF into the fold with D18... because last weekend was their weekend with him, and GF came over for dinner Saturday evening. Then things sort of deteriorated from there. I was watching the baseball game Saturday night when I got a call from her. She was driving and choked out, "Mom... can I come home and talk to you?" By the end of that sentence she was crying.

Note: Apparently, GF is now wearing a ring. They had dinner and talked about mundane crap and flirted with each other and talked about people she didn't know. She said she was pretty sure that they were planning on telling her something, but time went on and nothing did. So after dinner, they washed dishes and she told them that she was going out with friends but wanted to drop her car off at my house (she had her final club volleyball tournament on Sunday and was going to the venue an hour away with her dad) and would he pick her up later? They said their goodbyes and she came home, plopped her butt on the couch next to me, wrapped her arms around me and bawled like a 3 year old.

Yikes!

We're still identifying feelings, processing, etc. I am not completely a dolt, because I realize that some of this is strictly transition stuff... end of high school, leaving home, starting college, end of club volleyball, leaving friends, making new ones, and possibly a wedding in her future. The one thing she blurted out Saturday night is that he doesn't deserve to be happy before me... that it was me who put up with all his crap, taking care of them at a much higher price than he did and that she wanted ME to find a hot guy who could watch baseball and hockey with me, and oh, by the way, if he's loaded that would be okay too.

And although I'm riding all these transitions like every other mom, sh!t, I can't believe that it all makes me angry as hell again! And the worst part is I can't completely figure out why. Am I mad for her? Am I that unevolved that I can't accept this? Am I more pissed that I made most of the sacrifices? I know that I chose not to date because I have major trust issues with men. And my colleague has told me that he thinks I need to talk to someone because it's preventing me from getting close to people. Okay, he's right about that.

WTF? Do any of you have any insight to this madness? And once I figure this out, where do I begin to address trust issues? Jeez, I feel like a complete dumbass. This really just crept up on me and whacked me on the head. And I still have to get through the next 3 weeks of high school before graduation. On top of that, I turned 50 a few weeks ago and got a crappy case of shingles. So I'm not exactly in a wonderful mindset either. They hurt like hell.

Alright, I will defer to you guys and will try to do a better job about filling in the blanks.

This stinks!

Betsey