Once Reconcilliation Has Occurred

[Underdog]

Trish,

Ha! Sonic is one of my frequent haunts here. The menu has stuff to please all of us--all of the time. So often we head over there and eat away. It's pretty much a ritual for us on Tuesday evenings.

Anyway, you brought up something that I used to do all the time--and that is, position my wording so that I had a good argument for him saying yes. I now see it as manipulation, but back then, it was pretty much the only way I could get an honest YES out of him.

Now I just try to come right out and say what I want. Our MC told us once (maybe a zillion times) that it is not unreasonable to ask for something and expect to get it (if all things are equal).

Now about my own sitch last night, if he had said no, I would have picked up D7 and not complained. This week, I seem to be the queen of changing schedules, and I realize that it's a little unfair of me to expect him to keep moving his plans to change with me. I would have taken the girls out shopping with me tomorrow night as well (and still may do that).

I think as long as he's trusting me to be honest and forthright with my requests--without any hidden motive of getting my way--the P/A behaviors are gone or close to it.

So you're right, to help this work out... it could have been as simple as saying, "T, I am dog tired and don't feel like cooking. I also don't have a dime. Would you mind springing for dinner this time? I would really appreciate it. And BTW, I'd like to try out the new Sonic."

If he says no, you can just say, "Well, okay. I understand. I can make grilled cheese or PBJ sandwiches tonight." Then see how he feels about that.

BTW, there was something in one of your suggested websites to Slowly that really hit a nerve with me. And it was very true in my sitch for a really, really long time.

That thought was that the P/A person tends to focus on their resentment and feeding it rather than focus on goals that give them satisfaction.

Wow, was that a powerful statement. I think what turned Mr. Wonderful around was that I gave him permission to say no. And I made damn sure I didn't punish him for exercising that choice. It took quite awhile for him to want to do the things I asked of him. I really don't know when this happened. Hmmmmm.

BTW, I have a follow up to that story today. Because my plans with D10 changed once again. I left him a voicemail message before lunch, asking him to return my call when he got a chance.

I had your posts in mind when he called, and I began...

"K, I'd like to change my plans tonight." He said, "Okay, what's up?"

I responded, "Well, [colleague]'s BF has her car, and she was supposed to meet me and D10 to do the shopping for our adopted family. I'd really like for her to help me out. Since she lives really close to your apartment, I was wondering if you would agree to taking D7 back to your apartment and I could pick her up after dropping [colleague] off at her house?"

He didn't hesitate with his answer: "Sure. That way I don't have to wait around at the house and I can get some stuff done around here until you arrive. That's actually a better deal for me."

In the old days, I'd have found a way to word it so that my request looked exactly like a benefit to him and that I was actually doing him a favor. I don't mind it coming out as a favor, but my request is based on logistical sense that benefited both of us.

So, yes, often it's in the verbiage and execution of the request or need. Not the need itself.

I'm thrilled that you are seeing more effective ways to communicate as well. It really has helped me 1000%.

Hugs!

Bets