Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently

[bustorama]

Thank you for the thoughtful reply, Busto. If I may ask, what did it take for your wife to thaw her heart over time? I may have already asked this - and I know that there is no "formula" to it. I am just curious as to what things help.

I'm honestly not sure what were the critical things in my sitch. See, I completely stopped doing all the destructive things I had been doing in our R and started being attentive to her with words of affirmation, acts of service and giving. Taking care of myself, being fit, being active and GAL, reconnecting with friends and our kids. I did this consistently for awhile during regular contact with her (8 months?), but that didn't seem to change anything -- just slowed her march to divorce.

In my GAL, I also hung out with women and got flirted with and propositioned, so I regained confidence in myself and sort of re-learned how to flirt with women. I ended up flirting with my W at the same time that I ultimately rejected her and told her that I was moving on. Don't know if that self-confidence played a role.

I ultimately told her that I had had enough of the separation, and I accepted that she didn't want to be with me. I said I didn't want to be with her either since I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me. I told her I wanted NO CONTACT with her except for emergency stuff about kids to make it easier for me to move on. And I held to that (fairly well) for a few months. Then I told my W I was going to file for divorce, that it was time for me to move on legally.

It was during the months of No Contact and me initiating the push for divorce that things started to change for her (I was oblivious to all of this as I was busy with my own life, I certainly wasn't actively thawing her heart). She has told me since that she realized during that time how much she missed me, how important a part of her life I was to her, that I was her best friend and that she had lost me.

It may have been necessary for her to have seen evidence that I had changed and could treat her well before I pushed her and the separation away, I'm not sure. But, I honestly think what ULTIMATELY opened her heart back up to me was HER feeling that that she was losing me. And missing me and the things she loved about me. (along with the passage of years from the times that I had hurt her most).

Even when she first started to come back, I don't think she really trusted me yet. But the feeling of losing me outweighed her fear of being hurt enough so that she chose to love me and work on rebuilding trust, despite her residual hurt.

Your W is operating on her feelings. It is her own feelings and choices that might guide her to open her heart back to you. Not anything you do -- you aren't strong enough to open her heart. In my case, I think it was my W's feelings (her fear and experience of losing me from her life) that led her to re-open her heart to me.

I think my feelings get hurt at times when she doesn't initiate much. When I have our S, she seems more willing to do so - but as I have said before - I never know if it is because she wants to see him, me or both of us. When SHE has him - she does not initiate much. Maybe this is a function of her clock being slower as you mentioned.

I remember this very well. It's painful to feel that way. Try not to do this to yourself -- to let yourself be in a situation where you feel like this.

How do I show her that I care? That I am evolving and that I am committed even after the D without looking like I am pursuing?

You can't do anything to open her heart. You aren't strong enough to control her -- don't try. Live that way because it is the right way for you to live, not in order to manipulate her.