Hi Pam, thanks for stopping in, I appreciate your positive encouragements!
Hey Slowly, I’m so glad to find I am not just talking into air!! All questions and comments welcome here!!! I just hope I will be able to give coherent explanations of my thought processes. Please chime in any time.
Welcome back Betsey!!!! I hope the last few days were productive or restful whichever you needed most! (BTW, your “2 cents worth” is equal to 2 million to me !!)
Slowly, to answer your first question….I think ordinarily, when you meet up with resistance to planning or participating in any given activity, you would be right…..make alternate plans, or go ahead by yourself!! No reason that you should allow the other person to dictate or deprive you of an experience simply because they either: A. Are not truly interested in said activity. B. Would not be good company for such an activity. C. Are trying to control you by their refusal or manipulation of the situation.
I won’t go into a lengthy explanation of my reasons for not going, suffice it to say the only REAL reason for these activities was to spend time with H doing something fun…..different and to share the experience.
Yes if this was something I had an abiding love for, a deep passion about, a keen interest in, I would go ABSOLUTELY. With friends or ALONE!
I honestly believe to do otherwise would be lacking integrity. But, as I said this was not what was happening here. So, although I was disappointed, it was about not being able to do something with H, I did not have a sense of loss over the missed activity.
I show T that I am able to have a good time without him by sharing with him my inter-actions with other that I meet throughout my day. I also think because he knows I have a sense of fun, that he knows if I go somewhere without him I am quite capable of having a good time.
To answer your second observation, I’m sorry you have to endure this same sort of interaction in your situation. I suppose in many cases this sort of behavior could be a controlling mechanism. But I do not believe it is that simplistic; i.e.: “He’s trying to control me”.
It is more like he has a sense of control over HIMSELF…than me. To its roots, I would say it is more like an “Uncertainty” issue. Something about doing or not doing the activity is causing him uncertainty……and so without that security, he does NOT want to go along or participate.
Now it may have NOTHING to do with the activity at hand!!!! This is the frustrating part for those of us trying to decipher their responses. It may have something to do with a thought or feeling or interaction with someone you know nothing about…or it may just be a perception in their own little heads and unless and until you can get it out there and deal with it in a realistic way, you will in all likelihood not be able to convince them otherwise.
IE: When T suddenly got tired on Sunday and no longer wanted to go to the concert that night? Well, I guess I could say,” hmmmm….He just doesn’t want ME to go, maybe he wants to be the one to decide?”, or “He just wants to deny me an activity that HE KNOWS I REALLY want to do, therefore he is refusing to go.”(Controlling)
But if you are like the vast majority of people you also then begin with a whole different line of thought, something along the lines of: Getting hung up in the thought process of: “Is he feeling alright?” “Is there something wrong?”, “Is there something I don’t know?”, “Did I say or do something to turn him off?” And you begin the self examination and self doubt!!! In essence their feelings of doubt and confusion get TRANSFERRED to you!!
Continued questioning of the reluctant (p/a) person USUALLY get you no where….It can in fact make it worse if you do not see this behavior for what it is…..They (p/a) become even more resistant to your questioning and your rising frustration and now obvious uncertainty…….Because you see, they are now getting what they want.
They want YOU to grapple with the uncertainty and ambivalence that THEY are feeling….and it gives them satisfaction….albeit, usually they are not doing this consciously!! It just gives them back a sense of power and control to see YOU have to feel this uncertainty, not them. Therefore the last thing they are going to do is give in and go with you!!
If you COULD figure out what is truly bothering them, well Maybe you have a chance that with some work you could convince them, but it takes a very patient, very adept person to do this and Lord knows I’m not there!!
And hey, sometimes….whatever this thing is that you want, may not truly be something they are interested in…..You have to be the one to weigh whether or not you have realistic expectations.
In this case, after saying, okay I think I will leave in about ½ an hour…..
T: where are you going? Me: To that concert at the University I mentioned, it should be quite nice. T: oh….frowning and looking away! (First sign!!!), while putting on PJ’s. Me: I go in other room.
After 45 minutes I went into bedroom and “confronted” him about his reaction, (gave him time to realize I was not going, without having to “back down”) Me:” I decided not to go after all, you looked downright upset when I mentioned going” (I looked him straight in the eye and did not divert my gaze!) T: yeah, well,..... pause, pause (he's trying to avoid now!) After your “Boat parade”…… he gives a slight smile (referring to an idea that I convinced him to go with me on. There was a boat parade in the harbor here and it was freezing that night and there were only six little boats that paraded and it was over in 15 minutes, kind of a flop!!) But see, he was trying to avoid telling me why he really didn’t want to go!!! Using the excuse that all these activities are silly.
Me: Well yes some things are going to be silly, but this would probably have been nice, we heard them sing at the convocation remember, and it was indoors too! T: you’re right…I would like to go with you if I felt better (bingo!); it’s just that I am not feeling well and my students will probably be there, three of them are in the choir! I have to get up really early and finish this chapter, it has to be emailed by 7:30 am, and I know I’m not gonna get up in time If I stay up late at this concert!”
Okay, so now I can see he is worried he is gonna be too tired if he stays out (we could have addressed this earlier by setting a time to leave by, which I mentioned to him during this convo) and he is stressed about finishing this chapter,( probably having trouble with the chapter) his back is already hurting and he is afraid he will get up and the pain is gonna bother him AND he doesn’t want to run into students and walk like an old man with back pain!!
Marathon runner, and weight lifter that he is he is struggling with the fact that he is NOT as young as he would like to think himself to be!!( middle age is tough on a guy) Hahaha.
Betsey, Your post brought me such great ideas that I want to respond to....but I have to make a dash for the post office!! I forgot to mail something to Laural's dentist that must go out asap!!!
