What a great list of things you've learned. I'm going to add one more to the fray, and it's an expansion of #9--giving them the freedom of choice.
In the early days I found it to be very helpful when I said to Mr. W., "I'm going to ask you a question, and please understand that you have every right to say no." He would give me permission to ask, and more often than not, he would tell me no.
As you can see, a P/A person will tend to say yes to head off a conflict that they perceive to be inevitable. And then not do it, because that's what they wanted to do in the first place.
Then I literally had to force myself not to become angry with him for not "choosing" to do what I wanted him to do.
It took a really long time for him to feel comfortable saying no to me without having to tell him it was okay to do so. Then it took a little longer for him to not feel the need to explain why he said no. Then awhile later, he would say yes because he realized that his resentments had eased up and I was allowing him to make choices for himself without assuming the role of mommy to him.
Being direct is extremely helpful.
I find myself still wording questions in a very indirect way, and if I was on the other end, would find this very annoying. I caught myself tonight, when Mr. W. returned a call to me.
I asked him if he wanted to skip taking D7 to a school fun night tomorrow night, and then made a segue into convincing him that it would be good for me to take her overnight so D10 and I could have more time to do her shopping.
Trish, I actually realized that I was reverting to my old behaviors in trying to convince him to do my bidding. I stopped mid sentence and said, "K, I just realized that I am being indirect and obnoxious. What I'm really trying to say is that I'm pressed for time to shop with D10 tomorrow night and would you mind keeping D7 overnight?"
His P/A responses have disappeared. He replied, "Bets, that is really hard on her because I have to wake her up at 6 am to bring her back to the house. I understand why you need more time. How about I stay at the house and watch her there until you get home? Is 9:00 acceptable?"
Trish, it's a hard dynamic to beat. And often it's how we (the non P/A person) address the P/A person. I find that the more direct and honest I am in my asking, the more honest and candid he is with his answer. And more often than not, he's happy to help me out.
Just my 2 cents worth. I think you're getting through this mess just fine.
Keep it coming!
Hugs!
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Bets 
