Basic background: Married 13 yrs Together 15 yrs No kids, no plans to have any 1 dog, 1 cat
For any spouse who was left behind - I could use your perspective. What could your walk-away-spouse have done to make you understand the gravity of the situation? Short of walking away, that is.
We've been in counseling 4 times. We're in counseling now with a person who is pretty good (better than probably any of the people we've seen before). The problem is that I have lost my ability to believe the marriage can work well.
I fit the profile of the WAW - except I haven't left yet. I feel like I'm caught in a no-win situation. If I don't say what I need, then I'm expecting him to be a mind reader and that is wrong. If I ask for what I want then I'm nagging & being demanding.
Sunday our counseling session did not go well - DH had been making progress in some areas but the last month has been just like before we started counseling again. I think it's possible that the things I need in a relationship are things that require herculean effort for him to provide ... so why keep trying to do this? It's like turning sand into water. Maybe we'd both be better off if we are each nice people who aren't compatible.
So we had a long talk Sunday morning (after the session). I explained that there are 2 things that I need in our marriage and it's just part of who I am to need these things.
1) Touch. I need to be touched outside of the bedroom. A few years ago I was at a work function at a pub that was crowded & since I work in a male dominated field, it was mostly men. A group of us were talking, and every time this one guy left the group he had to walk behind me and he'd put his hands on my back - sort of the non-verbal "don't step backwards." But it wasn't on my shoulders, it was more at my waist & his hands would linger a second longer than they needed to. After the 3rd time I thought, "Wow, he thinks I'm attractive." I miss that. I miss being touched just because my husband thinks touching me feels good or because he thinks I'm attractive. I crave getting to feel his hand on my arm, my waist, my hip. Right now he doesn't touch me unless its in the bedroom because he wants a once-a-week quickie (which we usually have). All week I'm a room-mate, except for when he wants sex.
2) Conversation. Every so often at work I have a conversation about a joint project with someone and I walk away thinking, "I wish I had that kind of conversation with H." It's a combination of having someone who wants to hear what I have to say, makes eye contact, responds to what I say ... it makes me feel SEEN. H prefers to watch TV when eating dinner & then stay there & veg out until bedtime.
So I explained these things to him, just like I typed them there. I made it clear that the coworker who put his hands on my waist - that's all that happened. I'm not trying to incite some fit of jealousy, and he understood that.
That afternoon we had to run an errand and on the walk back to the car he put his arm around me for a few steps. It was divine. But then he didn't touch me at all for the rest of the day. Even when he was watching TV & I curled up on the couch next to him to doze he kept his hands to himself. No hand on my shoulder, no hand on my hip or waist. Nothing.
A couple things to explain before I get hit with 101 reasons that I'm asking too much: 1) I work full time in a salaried job that has me working 50+hrs a week. He works FT as well, is hourly, so he doesn't usually work more than 45 hrs/week.
2) My job is lucrative. I'm not thinking I want a divorce because I'll get rich, if anything I'll have to pay spousal support to him.
3) We don't have kids b/c I couldn't have them, but he knew that early on when we started dating (I knew at age 20 I wouldn't be able to have kids & made that clear very early in every dating relationship because if someone desperately wanted to be a father, they shouldn't fall in love with me).
4) I haven't let myself go. If anything I weigh less than when we got married. I'm 5'7" & wear a size 10 or 12. Maybe I could be a size 8 or even a 6, but I'm not overweight enough that this should be an issue.
I don't want to leave - but I don't have a lot of hope that this will work out. I've asked him to touch me more often several times in the past. I've tried to touch him a LOT to sort of demonstrate the concept. I'm asking that when he walks by me in the kitchen, that it isn't the same as walking by a coworker in the break room.
So, please, for anyone who has a WAS - what would have gotten your attention? I feel that he thinks this is the same as the other times we've been in counseling - I'll give up & become complacent to accept what I've always accepted. How can I convince him that this time it really IS different ... without renting the 1 BR in-law apartment across town (that is within my budget and close to work).
