First I want to say thank god for this forum. And for the whole DB'ing program in general. Even if you don't reconnect with your spouse, you really learn how to reconnect with and take care of yourself.
I really appreciate being able to look back through my old posts. They were very instructive. I suspect things on her side will run in a very similar pattern to the last time.
Well I can't believe I'm back, but it's pretty clear why. I'll get into that later I'm sure.
I can say this. If I look back I don't think the things that came up after the initial sort of second honeymoon, I don't think ever went away.
Previously I was making progress. I was detaching from the relationship and taking better care of myself. Things are a bit easier on me this time.
I've exposed a lot of crappy stuff on this forum, and yet I'm almost embarrassed to go into my sitch now. But I'll start that up under the proper forum section later.
For now I just want to say I'm back and it's because I stopped doing my work. I don't know if the relationship would have held together had I kept working but I suspect she and I would be both better off either way. Doing the work matters.
How I see it looking back. We got back together prematurely. I continued in the chaser role and allowed myself to get back in because all of the needs I had must have been being met. I remember being amazed.
But the drama apparently wasn't over. The good times were short and I'd say maybe 6 to 8 weeks later the same issues that drove us apart were back in. I'm not sure if they ever really got much better from there.
Certain urgent problems went away, but there was still something terribly amiss.
I think I should have pulled away at that point because the work wasn't done. I think instead I began pushing her to fix it again which is a part of a destructive pattern we've had.
I've been more detached from the start. I'm feeling pretty good despite it all. Although I have deep regrets. I've made such huge costly mistakes. I've wasted years with unhappiness and I've compromised my values about who I should be and how I should behave. I feel dumb, but I guess that's just how it goes. I had to be forced to see this. In a way this needed to happen.
I really wish I had seen that things weren't ready 5.5 years ago. And that I'd continued my work on myself when it was apparent that things weren't right yet. Instead I pushed ahead, probably wanting desperately to be loved. I'm grieving the loss of those years. I'm grieving feeling as if I've never been loved by someone I put so much of my life into. I think there's a a pattern there that needs to stop. And I'm grieving the compromises I made to try and manipulate my way into having my needs met.
In any case, I'm back. And with the skills I've learned from the DB & DR books and forums, I'm doing OK. Thank you.
