Okay so I think you get the picture....he's heading for a blow up.
him: you should have floored it!... me: why did I ever listen to YOU! (I just could not resist blaming him!!arrgh)
me: Sorry, you're right, I was paying attention to you instead of traffic and was using my judgement about the light.....I could have floored it and we might have made it but.........when I hesitated it caused us as delay.
me: Is that all you're angry about? him: You don't get it do you!! me: It's okay that you're angry,(trying to validate) Is there anything else? (giving him the opportunity to really express what else there might be on his mind.)
He goes into a description of an interaction he had with a co-worker who after pointing out her mistake,( I'm thinking this is the something else) She fails to see the problem and keeps seeing it only her way. T says he finally just "adjusts" to her and lying, tells her it's okay, when he is NOT okay with their solution."
him: The thing is I shouldn't have to "adjust" to my wife of 28 years" me: "I agree." me: "I do get it...."
(Was this the case where he just wanted to be mad at this one and only thing, and he thinks that I think, he's really mad about something else?? not my behavior?)
Well when this interaction about the car failed to get my goat....he goes on with:
him: okay, so now we are behind the garbage truck! Do you think we would have been here if you hadn't hesitated back there and we had got the light?" me: well, the truck was here on this same street well before us, we would just be four cars closer!
Then he moves in for the kill:
him: Are you ever gonna tell me what D22 called about? I've been waiting 4 days to hear. (passive/aggressive exaggeration, She called sat. afternoon it is now monday am.) me: I've been dying to tell you all about it. It's only been 2 days, but I was waiting for a good time to talk and you were either writing or sleeping."
him: "You mean to tell me you want me to believe you were trying to be considerate of me?" me: well, yes I was........ him: so am I ever gonna hear it.... me: blah blah about D22.
I dropped him off. He kissed me goodbye, but didn't want my help up to his offfice.
I said I would call on my way back into town to pick him up. He said nothing. But I knew it was okay, because he didn't just walk away, he walked around the car to my side and smiled a slight smile and mouthed the words see you later".
Not exactly an enthusiastic "have a good day" but pretty good for not having gotten into a major row!!
I think I get middle of the roads marks for seeing some of this. But I needed some time to figure out the thing about "adjusting for his wife of 28 years".????????
Does he just want me to see that "that" was what he was upset about, and nothing more and he thought I was reading more into it or is he just saying this adjusting thing to make me feel guilty or to dump something on me??? Not sure.
Seeing the passive aggressiveness of his behavior makes me feel much lighter and more certain.
Somethings I learned about how to handle a p/a.
1. The need to set boundaries. (I stink at this). 2. Confront obvious lies.(I am pretty good at this) 3. Unravel ambiguities. (??????) 4. Be specific about what bothers you. (I think I am) 5. Tone is important. Do not be vindictive or authoritarian. (no problem here) 6. Do not use ultimatums you cannot enforce.(never) 7. Do not force or tell them what to do!(very important!) 8. Tell them they have options from which to choose. 9. Give them power of choice. 10. Convince the p/a it is okay to be angry. 11. Do not humor them out of their anger, let them feel it. 12. Accept no excuses. Confront innappropriate behavior directly and label it what it is. If someone's behavior is inappropriate the rationale they offer is irrelevant.( just so so at this)
This last one is what I find hardest to do: 13.Take action quickly. Aggressive personalities lack internal brakes( boy does he ever) If you are going to successfully engage them, get a word in edgewise, make an impact, then you need to act at the first sign that they are on the march. be ready to immediately confront and respond to one of their tactics. Move quickly to remove yourself from the "one-down" posistion and establish a balance of power.
I am just a beginner at this, so I'll quit right here.....for now.
Extra Big Hugs to my friends for hanging in there with me while I ramble!!!!!!!!
