I'm going to put this to you straight. I hope this helps you.
Your H is not in his ADULT SPACE. He is behaving like he is 17. Do you see this?
If so, okay.
No meds, no therapy, no NOTHING is going to help him.
Do you see how meds might not help a 17 year old grow up and be a man?
See, my ex-BF did the SAME EXACT STUFF and behaved IN THE SAME WAYS. It's eerie. He was depressed too, traumatized from his past, too, on meds.
But nothing is going to make him grow up. Not me. Not anything. Not his family.
There might be areas in his life where he acts like he is grown up. But mostly he is 17. And he's 34.
SO.
Here's the sage wisdom my pediatrician gave me when he learned we split.
When people become parents, they either grow up or they don't. Some take longer than others. Women usually grow up more/faster than men. Most men grow up.
Some don't.
The ones who don't may never.
A friend advised that my ex-BF might grow up *for his daughter's sake* but not for me.
I still don't see that happening. And we're no longer together.
He does show up. He does take care of her. But a 17 year old can do that too.
He doesn't see the big picture - her needs. He is too self-involved, in his own world. In his own boyish space. He can't quite phathom the needs of others, nevermind meet them.
LISTEN.
You have a choice. You can GIVE UP and stay in this relationship and live your life and not expect anything from him. And eventually he may grow up on his own.
Or you can leave him, and that may be a catalytic event for him to grow up. It may not. I wouldn't invest in that outcome either way. If it works - great - if not - fine.
BUT YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU.
I'm all for 25's advice and marriage and staying together.
But this is the deal, May. You're going to stay married to a 17-year-old who - in some areas of his life - acts more mature - but not many.
If you want to stay committed and start to look at things from that perspective MEANING
when he decides his health is important, he will get help
NOT You dragging him to therapy or medical testing.
You saw how he lived without you. That's a pretty clear picture of his internal state.
Do you want to sign up for more of it?
My ex-bf left, and there was no catalyst. For him - we weren't married, and I doubt he was even in love. There's no consequence, he's
NOT LOSING ANYTHING enough to motivate him to grow up.
You know from how you are that being a grown-up works. It puts you in the driver's seat of your life, let's you be in control, make decisions, etc. It WORKS FOR YOU.
But for some reason, it's not working for you H- he's scared, or dragging his feet, or making it mean something?
What? We don't know. Maybe that "life will be no fun anymore" "I'll always have to be miserable."
Who knows.
But if you can take in this information, I think it'll help you frame things in a way that's more of what you're dealing with.
Your H MAY just hit a wall and be FORCED to grow himself up.
That may mean you leave.
Just like when you did before YOU GOT HIS ATTENTION.
Did he DO ANYTHING DIFFERENTLY? (I can't recall - only you know).
Was it consistent and long-term enough for you to stay in this?
What this comes down to is that I don't see this changing anytime soon. He is going to keep moping and being 17.
You need to take care of you. Don't do anything to *get him to do anything (i.e., change, grow up, etc.)
Just quietly take care of you right now. If that means moving out, I say do it.
If that means staying married to someone who is behaving consistently like a 17-year-old (and I'm not saying this in a judgmental derogatory way - it's an actual psychological reality), then sign up and adjust your expectations.
Otherwise, you're going to make yourself insane sister.
