Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently

[bustorama]

Crimson, my friend, you are as anxious about getting things "right" as I was. I still think your big picture is that you need to relax and let life come to you more than you need to worry about if you are getting things "right."

And is that lack of trust what she is talking about when she says she doesn't have "feelings" and that her "heart is closed" and she can't force it open?

For my W, that's what it was, and that what I believe it is for many women. Once they have been hurt or let down, when you have not been there emotionally for them the way they needed you to be, that they could not trust you to be there for them emotionally, or you let them down one too many times when they trusted in you....Then, their heart closes, and they don't have the feelings. I think that is what it is for many women (some women miss the "falling in love" feelings, which is a whole different story, but I don't think that is what it is with your W).

The basic question I am asking - and I am not wise in the ways of women's hearts - is it trust that drives feelings? If that is the case, I can see why she is holding her ground with the D a little bit more clearly.

She is not holding her ground in the sense that her keeping her heart closed is a conscious decision. She wishes she could open her heart and have the feelings come back. She cannot or does not know how to do so. So, she concludes she needs to D you.

It's not getting back to the falling in love/first time feelings, it is either the passage of time or new experiences that can heal the hurt.

The problem is that the more that YOU try to open their heart actively (by pursuit), the more they defensively shut off to you -- because they see it as your ulterior motives -- it being about you and your needs, rather than about her hurt and her needs to feel safe and loved again.

And if it IS trust that needs to be rebuilt (assuming that she is honest about the postives she's stated above) how to I do I help her get that back over time? I know that it is a matter of being consistent - and I think I have been doing a reasonable job there. But what more is there to it? If anything? And what if being "consistent" has a "pursuing" feel to it?

See above. You just be a damn good guy living your life with your S and treat her well when she approaches you. The most powerful thing you really can do is to really listen to her and be emotionally there for her. So much of attachment is about that. Don't overdo it or feel compelled that you need to initiate anything or flatter/pursue her or it will backfire.

Which brings me to my next point - "work on things". What does that mean for a WAW? She kind of pulled the plug on MC and I have not reintroduced the topic in awhile....should I?

No, don't reintroduce MC. Don't try to control what "working on things" means. Let her define it. You simply agree, say, sure, I'm all about working on things. Then get busy with yourself and live your life with your S. Let her initiate whatever she means by "working on things." You want her to be the one to initiate the steps. Just be ready to reciprocate with mojo. If she doesn't initiate anything to "work on things," then fine you have your answer. Her clock will be slower than you would like things to be, so you need to GAL and be busy with yourself.

She's got alot going on before she can get back into a relationship with you since she is in the midst of a divorce.