You two gave me great stuff to think about! In fact I thought about it all weekend, thus the delay in my response.
Thanks for coming out of hibernation just for me Betsey, I feel very fortunate to have you both with me!
I guess I was also taken aback some by what I learned about the passive/aggressive behavior T exhibits. It shed a great deal of light on our interactions, and put a new hue on your questions.
Several things occured over the weekend, that were terrific examples of this dynamic.
Friday afternoon I picked up T about 3PM, early enough to still have some energy left. He suggested we take in the Basketball game on campus tonight. I was thrilled. A chance to spend some time enjoying something together. We went home, changed our clothes and got some dinner. By 6 he was no longer interested in going.
I shrugged it off (wish I had a better response to this, as he sees it too easy to disappoint me.)
We stayed home, he typed and I did dinner and dishes. Ugh...boring...so I said I was heading for the gym....I didn't instead I went to the parking lot and called S24 and had a nice convo.
Saturday, he was parked in the lazy boy for 12 hours, not an exaggeration, he was typing on the book.
Good thing was he shared some aggitation at some of the editors, project directors, and tech editors who are all trying to get a piece of this pie, and making alot of demands on his time and energy by not having a clear hierarchy of command thus causing confusion about chapters and tables of content etc. etc. Anyways, he was having trouble with this one particular editor, and he decided to write an email to the senior editor about it.
After he finished he asked me, "To come take a look at this". ( I was pleased to do so and told him so).
I noticed several places where his communication was severely paassive/aggressive and used this opportunity to tell him my thiking about it. He completely agrees and changed his email. Afte two such emails and several such opportunities, I was even able to use the phrase "passive/aggressive"(call it what it is) with him. At one point I was able to show him where he emailed "greg" talking about how mad he was with "nicole"....I pointed this out to him, and said I thought she was a grown up and quite able to understand his being angry with her and he should tell "nicole" how she felt about it...not "greg"!!
I also validated his anger by telling him, how I understood his frustartion with everyone coming at him from different directions, and he needs to extracate himself from the role of "managing" these individuals, or they would take up all his time and energy. He was just normal for feeling so put upon".
I think it opened a window for him.
He finally asked me, " If I thought he was passive aggressive?"
"My dear, I said, bending over to kiss him.......it is your Forte." I then smiled a little smile, and walked into the kitchen.
"I don't WANT to be passive/aggressive....." he said quietly.
Planting seeds I think it's called.
Anyways, we did nothing the rest of the day...except Laural D22, called and I talked with her for awhile, while he kept working on the book and I went shopping and ran errands after that.
Sunday, we had planned on going to church, he suddenly didn't want to do that either. "You go for both of us".
I quickly got ready and left, but not before telling him how much I had enjoyed last week when we DID go to chuch together and out to breakfast together too. He seemed surprised when I said this and started to say:" Maybe you shouldn't go...you know you're gonna be late......." I said it was good for me to go and I kissed him goodbye.
I had read in the saturday paper about a Choral performance by the University Choir to be held Sunday night at 7:30 and had asked him if he had any intrest, "Yeah, but ask me on Sunday." he had said,No committment.
Well Sunday night at 6 he suddenly was exhausted and wanted to go to bed! I stayed out in the livingroom so not to disturb him and watched TV and read. By 9 he gave up and came out (to check on me) and got on his email!!??????????????????
I think he was goading me, because he kept waiting for my reaction and watching me out of the corner of his eyes, with a little smile on his face. Like whatever he was reading was very nice.
Finally, after he got himself a snack, he says: "Okay, now I'm really going to bed......wanna come?" I joined him and we watched the Steelers, til I realized he had taken a sleeping pill.
He jerks and twitches and acts very irratic when he takes them and he grabs things and talks in his sleep and sometimes almost falls out of bed! Frankly, it bothers me. But, I just kept cuddling with him, and soothing him and telling him to go to sleep until he finally nodded off.
After a few hours, it danwed on me I went and checked his email. Sorry guys, but at this point I don't care!!!! I consider this self preservation. And boy did I check it. Absolutely nothing there!!! I knew he had been trying to get my goat!!
Thank goodness for those pills though
I went back to bed and he woke up after a few more hours and we talked briefly before both of us falling back asleep.
Now the real test was this morning....
1. We wake up late,( 7:30 instead of 5:30) DUH!!!!!!!!!! This is what happens when you take a sleeping pill.
His writing time is gone.(frustrated) I make breakfast, I am in the middle of eating.....
2. He says we need to leave by 9:15.!!????? So as to not make me (trish)late......(Now he is in a "rush" to "help" me. by getting ready in such a hurry...even breaks a sweat to show how inconvenienced he is!! trying to put on his clothes with no help and a bad back!!) He can now blame ME for his foul mood.
I get ready in 5 minutes.... 3.He takes longer.
I am sooo ready I have time to pick out HIS tie! (He usually asks me, but this morning he didn't )
3. him: "go down and start the car, I'll be right down". ( He has a TON of stuff to carry down, but doesn't want my help!?? What, so he can slip and fall and REALLY Blame me for his rush!!)
4. I go down (slowly as usual, I am in heels and a skirt all ladies know what I mean here!) He hates this, he interprets this as hesitation. (What does he want me to run!!??)
Then we play: REDLIGHT GREEN LIGHT 5. Red light/Green light ( I am driving and the lights are green for as far as you can see! 4 lane highway.)
him: "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!RED LIGHT!!!!!!!!! okay it's two lights away." me: quietly: "green light." him: "blah blah blah.. yadyada.........FLOOR IT!!!!!!!!" me: ??????me seeing the yellow, begin to slow down. Don't want to be accused of "mistreating his car" and knowing the light will be red in a second I slow down........ him: "FLOOR IT!!!!!!!!" me: startled response I floor it and of course the light turns red!!! Slam on brakes!!
him: "If you wouldn't have hesitated we would of made it!!" (yeah, and we be two road patties in the middle of the intersection!) me:
