Once Reconcilliation Has Occurred

[Underdog]

Trish,

I'm coming out of hiding only for you today! My pile of invoicing is absolutely overwhelming, and I'm off Monday and Tuesday. Things here are out of hand. But I'll try to check back on and off this weekend.

Okay, I'm relieved to hear your clarification on that "you're on your own" statement. Because I was really afraid that was another passive aggressive statement.

I think Pen's got a really good and fresh perspective with you, so I'm hoping she can jockey back and forth with you over the next couple days. I like her questions a whole lot.

That being said, you asked me what I said in return when Mr. Wonderful suggested it was only me who was XXXXX (fill in the blank) and said this was my problem and to fix it.

Quite frankly, Trish, it used to gall me to no end. The only consolation I have ever received from this accusation is that when he left, he told me I had been right all along and that he had felt angry most of our marriage. Yes, this was my fault at the time.

In the early days, I would just give him a blank look and dismiss his thoughts. But I will tell you that since I was in my early 20s (even before then, but by this time, I was on my own), every few years I would head into individual counseling for awhile. Little issues kept surfacing that got so bad I had to deal with them. Glad I didn't know how many bigger issues were waiting for me to deal with then.

Anyway, when our real problems became glaringly apparent to me, it was early 1999. When he made his patent remark about me being the one who was miserable and making us miserable, this is when I became visibly angry all the time.

By the time I started my EA, I also realized during this time that another person wasn't making me any happier. No, let me correct this: I actually realized that this was making me even more unhappy. THAT's when I put myself into a very heavy courseload of individual counseling and really started getting into the nitty gritty of things.

About half way into it, Mr. W. got his DUI, and then my anger became pervasive and encompassing.

I guess what I'm saying the long way is that I began to realize that he was actively contributing to my anger and misery, even though I was making progress on finding out why I chose to react the way I did to things. The more he avoided me and the issues, the angrier I became.

And although I was the only one expressing my anger, the same was very true for him, Trish. He would just deny it existed, pour himself a gin & tonic and then proceed to mentally check out on me. Your H isn't doing this, but other things...

And the more angry he became, the more resentful he became and the more passive aggressive he became. We had quite a few times where he would agree to go to a theatrical production with me and "forget" to call a babysitter--hence, losing $200 tickets--or I would have a scheduled event to attend and he would promise to come home from work but would end up going drinking with his friends instead. Five hours later and no phone call or returning my pages, he'd walk through the door a bit intoxicated...

Trish, I can't say anything like this exists for you.

But one thing is really glaring me in the eyes right now. When he goads you into a reaction, how do you typically respond? Is there a pattern, depending on what sort of reaction he is goading from you?

And what would happen if you did a 180? What would happen if you just left? Or if you can think of some other non combative response that would diffuse this crappy dynamic?

I'm also going to make a plug for the CD series that I listened to awhile back... Transcending our Anger by Fr. Tom Allender (he has a website... I listed it in my previous thread). $35 for 4 hours of therapy is a great bargain.

And I think you would be very comforted by the fact that Fr. Tom addresses passive aggressiveness in graphic detail. Now, if T happened to listen to them with you at some point (the 4th one is the really effective one), it would be a good thing. I would also highly recommend not telling him any agenda--a passive aggressive person doesn't deal well with suggestions like this.

Okay, this is it for now. Hope you're feeling a bit better.

Betsey