Got the mother load of data from WAH today

[Underdog]

Hey Fifi,

Glad that OT weighed in, because she's right about the physical affection...

I am confused, is he just saying goodbye? Is he just feeling guilty so he is trying to be a good dad?

Here's where I step in and say stop trying to figure out what he's thinking or doing, or analyzing his motivations and intentions. It's not productive.. period. That clearly belongs in the pile of "his business".

What about that statement made you bristle? what is your take?

Oh, I have an opinion, Fifi. But what matters the most is what you feel. What I'm thinking is this: are the kids going to be confused? Is it going to prevent you from learning how to get balanced through transition? And to a lesser degree, is it a good boundary for him to be able to maintain status quo? I don't think this would matter AS MUCH if your children were older. But they are basically toddlers and not able to grasp what is happening.

So what I'm really trying to say is that there might have to be some new boundaries created (and enforced) if you feel that this is counterproductive to what is best for the kiddos and for you. At some point, he needs to realize... at the least, acknowledge... that he can't pick and choose what consequences HE wants without first getting input from you. Does this make sense?

I say this should be very individual for your family. My kids were a little older than yours and I was able to reason with at least my oldest (my youngest is developmentally disabled but very aware). And yes, my XH came over for dinner at least once a week way back when simply because they understood that it was just a meal and a way for them to have a little extra time with him at their house (my house). So please know I'm not standing in a hypocritical box, because I understand this one well. I just think the little kids are more disadvantaged in this situation. And then it makes more work for you trying to navigate those murky waters.

Again, do what YOU feel is best for yourself and the kids. I want you to know that I think that while you should take their perspective into consideration, don't be a martyr if this confuses you more. Your feelings come first, Fifi. So don't martyr yourself by doing what others think you *should* be doing if you clearly feel that it is not good for you.

Another boundary for you to consider:

He is asleep in S4's bed, said he wanted to stay in case one of the kids woke up tonight since I am feeling a little under the weather.

Well... that was nice of him under the circumstances, but... if you are feeling ill and can't take the kids, then ask him to take them back with him so you can recover. This is something he's going to have to do without you, Fifi. Just mull on that a bit. Part of the consequences of wanting out is actually BEING out. You can enforce boundaries lovingly. "Thank you for being there for the kids while I'm not feeling well. I really appreciate it. Would you mind taking them back to your place so I can get rest?" I think it allows for your confusion when he's dictating the terms of how he engages with you and the kids. Hell, it's even unfair.

Try to get what you need out of all this too. You are going to be the primary caretaker for awhile so it is imperative that you take care of yourself, Fifi. That's the one thing I really learned from this process. Right now, you have to look out for yourself and the kids first.

Make sense?

Betsey