Well, at the moment I think I have located the "exit" in my head. Poorly illuminated, though it may be. Pretty much beginning to identify that fear and sadness come and go in waves - just the same as courage and confidence.
Sandi - I have read that prayer about a dozen times and it helps as a mantra. As noted, it is perched on my bathroom mirror right now - I hope to read and internalize it every morning.
This morning I think I initiated a more calm (hopefully) line of questioning. And it boils down to one question that I really am throwing out there - is it just trust?
If I look at the net positives - and when I am not spiraling I think I can do it - there are a lot.
We both want another child - and would prefer to do it together
She has acknowledged that I am a good father
MUCH to my surprise, she said that I "set the bar pretty high" in terms of men and that "there aren't a lot of good guys like you out there"
Still thinks I am physically attractive
As briefly commented on how her communication skills got us here, too
Has said she is open to working on things
All of these things sound good if she really means them - and it sounds like a good starting (or re-starting) point for the both of us. And if I look objectively at all of those things - it doesn't particularly sound like a woman that is completely repulsed by me. And still, she feels the need to proceed towards divorce. Which, naturally, I don't like - but I am learning to accept. As Sandi and others have said - hell, we already ARE divorced - what's the difference?.
So it really begs the question - is it just trust? And is that lack of trust what she is talking about when she says she doesn't have "feelings" and that her "heart is closed" and she can't force it open?
The basic question I am asking - and I am not wise in the ways of women's hearts - is it trust that drives feelings? If that is the case, I can see why she is holding her ground with the D a little bit more clearly.
By all accounts on the boards and from the vets - especially the women, it's about sufficient time. Is it TRUST that is being built back during that time? Or is it a matter of just waiting for the magical "butterflies" of new romance to return? Because I don't know if a couple can ever go back to that "we just met" euphoria.
And if it IS trust that needs to be rebuilt (assuming that she is honest about the postives she's stated above) how to I do I help her get that back over time? I know that it is a matter of being consistent - and I think I have been doing a reasonable job there. But what more is there to it? If anything? And what if being "consistent" has a "pursuing" feel to it?
For example - I have been very postive with her and supportive in her career and other things - trying to help build her up. She has acknowledged recently that I am "her biggest fan". Are things like that pursuing?
Additionally, I have really been working on the 180 of being more flattering than I have been in the past. I am learning that that is one of her love languages - words of affirmation. So I try to tell her that she looks nice when I see her - or remind her that she is pretty/beautiful/attractive - no in an overtly gushing way - but in a way to let her know that I know that it is important to her whereas I didn't before.
Are there daily actions that a man can take to help rebuild trust with a WAW that claims to be open to working on things?
Which brings me to my next point - "work on things". What does that mean for a WAW? She kind of pulled the plug on MC and I have not reintroduced the topic in awhile....should I? How do we work on things? Spending time together? She has been somewhat relucant to do that in the absence of out son. I feel that staying disconnected and interacting whenever we see each other isn't really "working" on things? But is it?
She claimed that we have "major problems" - all of which I have detailed in threads in the past. If she perceives them as "major" is it even possible to work on them if you don't roll up your sleeves and say "let's work on these things"? I really don't know if we can do it if we don't make and effort to. What do I do to "work on it"
I know I have asked a million questions here - but I think I am having a decent moment of calm clarity. Any thought, opinions or answers are gladly welcome.
