He, Betsey – I have a tiny little crazymaker inside of me myself, and sometimes when I’m NOT feeling quiet, pretending that I am helps. Acting as if as the ultimate self-fulfilling prophesy. Hence the name. Now that I really am quiet (calm), I’ll go back to being Pen.
Cycler (Trish) …. I think you have your husband down pat. After almost 30 years, you’re a veteran at being married to him. This is particularly telling:
Quote: When he feels ANYTHING......he does not feel safe letting it out, so it comes out in inappropriate or unexpected ways.
This creates several scenarios.
He can ALWAYS avoid his own feelings.
He can project those onto someone else and make them deal with it.[..]
If SHE is out of control then it's not ME!
I'm not the one with the problem, "They" are.
That is exactly what I meant with “baiting”. He projects his insecurities onto you. Let’s face it, when the going got tough (for example, when you both lost your jobs at the same time) HE is the one that bailed and dumped all the responsibility onto you, pretending “you” were too dependent on him. In reality, he himself couldn’t deal with it. Of course, being intelligent, he knows on some level that he’s acting in a less-than-stellar way, feels even more inadequate, and tries to make that your fault, too.
It seems we can find this pattern everywhere we look. Living in his own apartment, thus forcing the day-to-day family decisions onto you, but still resenting you for “leaving him out of things”. The “affairs” and the “flirtations” that he tries to parade infront of you to get a reaction. All of this speaks of a fundamentally immature and v v insecure man. But the point is – what to do?
What worked in the past, as Betsey has already asked? What happens if you completely ignore all of his little dramas, and just smile, humm, and do your own thing? Does it infuriate him even more?
How can you keep up your own self-confidence and avoid being infected by his projections?
How would you ideally like your marriage to progress in, say, the next two months? What could you do to make it happen?
